Foul Mood, Foul Odor

I started therapy again. I'm glad to be back. I feel like it's a good time in my life to do this. I really want change. I want to deal with the thoughts and behaviors that prevent me from living to the fullest. I want to feel more happy, more satisfied, less punishing toward myself. I am capable of living a bigger life and I want to experience it before I die.

I suppose it's actually a bit dramatic to describe my mood as foul. I feel irritated, restless, distracted, worried and annoyed, which I don't think equates to foul. It adds up to something, I just don't know what. I do know that I feel some intensity. I feel stressed about money and weight loss and the ability to make real change in my life.

Everyday I wake up with the best intentions and everyday I mess up somewhere along the way. Today it was potato chips. I had been thinking about them, but had no problem saying no to buying some. I come home and MM has brought some by to help SJ celebrate her birthday. If they weren't in the house, I wouldn't have eaten them. Seeing them there after just having a thought about them, though, was too much to resist.

I want to change my habits and become a virgin to food. I'd like to experience it as something beautiful, sensual, creative, communicative and controllable. I want a different relationship with it. I want to eat for the pleasure of eating; not because I'm addicted to it or because I need some vitamin D, but because food connects people on a variety of different levels. Perhaps that sounds romantic. I do really like food both as a comforter and a creative medium. I want to find something else to comfort me, but continue to build my culinary skills and knowledge without the fear or temptation of losing myself to food.

So, what's this about odor? I'm in the basement. I put the cat boxes down here and also had some seepage issues. It smells like a combination of mildew and cat urine. Not cool. It's a large area and needs to be swept and mopped. The floor probably also needs to be scraped down and repainted. I so want to do it myself and I find myself discouraged by the fact that I shouldn't. AL and SJ don't seem to notice or aren't bothered by the smell so no one's anxious to clean it except me. It actually makes me angry that I hurt and can't maintain the house to my standards.

Alas, I have decided to try it. I'll get up early in the morning and sweep and mop as much of it as I can. I can just take a Vicodin and get some ice afterward. Hopefully, it won't hurt too much.

I want to go to bed, but I am concerned that the chips have given indigestion. I have to schedule my psych eval for my surgery. What if the doctor says I'm nuts and have unrealistic expectations? I don't believe I do, but what if I say the wrong thing?

Okay, I need to stop buying myself worry. All I can do is go in and talk honestly about my decision and the thought process leading up to it. I think that it will bode well for me that I'm in therapy now.

Til.