Everybody Wants Something They Can Win At

Today, we inaugurated Barack Obama as the 44th president of the United States. Watching him and his wife and children and seeing the sea of people who had come from far and wide to witness the event made me proud to be an American. It also made me want to do just a bit better. 

More than any other time over the last several months it became so clearly apparent to me that it doesn't serve anyone for me to be depressed, broke, obese, in pain, trapped in negativity, and existing below my potential. How do I know I'm existing below my potential? Well, because I sense that I could be doing and being more, which is an indication to me that I'm not doing and being all that I could do and be.

I keep asking myself what is it that Bridgett brings to the table of life? I'm a daughter, sister, friend, cat mother, but is that it? Is it enough? How does the world benefit from my having been here?

I've been reflecting on my work history and thinking about next steps for me; what do I want to learn, what do I want to do and how do I want to share the skills that I have - stuff like that. I've learned something from each of my positions, but I don't feel that I was particularly successful at any one of them. I've never found that thing that I excel at and feel very confident about. I suppose I never created a career for myself. I've held a series of jobs in the non-profit sector that don't necessarily create a path. I want a path, to be expert at something and be recognized by myself and others as successful. I want something I can win at.

To date, I feel that I've done just enough to be seen as competent and presentable. I've never developed the self discipline to study and insert myself into situations that challenge and expand my knowledge. I play small and have been somewhat comfortable doing so. I say somewhat because all the while I've known that I could do and be bigger. 

Seeing Obama surrounded by that vast number of people gave me hope that it's not too late for me to heal and have the life that I visualize. It's not too late for me to do and be more. 

Where to begin?

I've been thinking about getting back here for the last two weeks, but for the life of me I can't explain why I've been away or how I came to start thinking of this as a place. I've been processing and feeling and thinking since the last time I was here and I want to share it, but I'm struggling a bit to get started. 

I suspect I've been away because I've been good. Isn't that strange? Why is it that the facts that I've been approved for surgery, received a nice bonus from work, bought myself a Macbook Pro, found a new psychiatrist and gotten my meds adjusted and am feeling more balanced reasons to shy away from my blog? So I started wondering, am I a drama queen overly invested in examining my own pain? Am I a survivor so committed to my own healing that when I end up in a painful place I'll squirm and scream until I free myself of the pain and can reclaim my quiet place?

Is it a bit of both? Does it matter? Perhaps not. What I do know is that being in a content state is not comfortable for me. Depression and food dependence have been my companions for a long time and I'm realizing that I don't want or desire them anymore. I've begun the quest for suitable replacements; thoughts, activities and experiences that can become as comforting and familiar to me as eating and sadness once were. If I'm unsuccessful in my quest, four decades more are neither interesting nor useful. 

The next step: create a multi-dimensional life that considers my spiritual, creative, physical, intellectual and emotional selves. 

Okay--bring it on!