I withdrew for a while because I needed to re-assess how personal I wanted this to be. I want very much to talk and to be heard about some things that I can imagine make people feel uncomfortable and expose my vulnerabilities. This space has become about so very much more for me than weight and ultimately can reveal how to get myself under control. Am I ready? What will I learn? Can I be okay with it?
Right now I feel angry, lost and vacant. I don't know how to move past or resolve these feelings. I want something to mean something. I want to know that I'm doing something that makes a difference in the world. I want to scream about what I perceive as a dramatic plunge in morality, importance and focus taking place within American culture. I feel deeply distraught about the situation with the mayor and believe strongly that nothing will happen.
I have no belief that if he falls I'll feel that it makes up for all the disappointment and grief that I feel. I just feel that it's not okay to lie and cheat and engage in dastardly behavior with total disregard for other people. He completely misrepresented himself and it's not okay with me.
I don't know how to move away from this global malaise that I feel. I can't seem to focus my mind on things that I can change, effect, see. I've been thinking about taking a mission trip or volunteering. Perhaps if I can see how my life directly and positively impacts something I'll feel more calm. Right now I want to crawl out of my skin and eat fried foods!
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
Monday, January 7, 2008
On Management
Time management, weight management, project management, home management, staff management, managing management. The data project at work is a bit overwhelming and I'm sorry that I sought help from the other staff. I should have just kept it inside of the department and solved all the problems myself. My quest for help came back to bite me in ways that I couldn't predict or imagine. It exhausts and confuses me.
There is a danger in asking for help that I find manifest in all areas of my life. I am having difficultly distinguishing between what I need to request help on and what I should tackle alone. What does help look like? How does one know when one has been helped especially when what one needs help with is intangible, immeasurable? What happens when it's not a task, but a change or a perception or a revelation? How do you know when the change is complete or the perception has been changed or the revelation been revealed? What if you don't like the outcome?
I'm probably suffering from an over analyzed life, but I can't help but be very aware of the vacancy in me and how I want desperately to fill it. Why is this important or fair? People in other cultures, people in the same culture have a lot less going for them than I do and they manage to live fulfilled lives. Why does what I feel matter? Should it matter? Is it selfish and petty to place any focus at all on my weight and food issues?
Are these issues simply about food and my lack of discipline? If so, I just need to buck up and get over it. I believe that it is, but at the same time I can't seem to commit to making change. I just don't know what to do. I was thinking that maybe I should adopt an alter ego and spend time as that person in other parts of the country or world. I don't know why, but I feel as though I have to do something drastic in order to become the change I want to see.
I guess that's it.
There is a danger in asking for help that I find manifest in all areas of my life. I am having difficultly distinguishing between what I need to request help on and what I should tackle alone. What does help look like? How does one know when one has been helped especially when what one needs help with is intangible, immeasurable? What happens when it's not a task, but a change or a perception or a revelation? How do you know when the change is complete or the perception has been changed or the revelation been revealed? What if you don't like the outcome?
I'm probably suffering from an over analyzed life, but I can't help but be very aware of the vacancy in me and how I want desperately to fill it. Why is this important or fair? People in other cultures, people in the same culture have a lot less going for them than I do and they manage to live fulfilled lives. Why does what I feel matter? Should it matter? Is it selfish and petty to place any focus at all on my weight and food issues?
Are these issues simply about food and my lack of discipline? If so, I just need to buck up and get over it. I believe that it is, but at the same time I can't seem to commit to making change. I just don't know what to do. I was thinking that maybe I should adopt an alter ego and spend time as that person in other parts of the country or world. I don't know why, but I feel as though I have to do something drastic in order to become the change I want to see.
I guess that's it.
Saturday, January 5, 2008
Emotional
I feel vacant. I'm not exactly sure how to describe it, but vacant is the only word that comes to mind. I feel as though something has left me or that I've become acutely aware of something that was never there. Bored, tired, frightened, overwhelmed, hopeless, anxious and stupid. I can't seem to get a handle on myself.
As a way of distracting myself and addressing the anxiety I feel, I thought that I should get a home project. I had a great time decorating my mother's apartment and my house is a blank canvas. I went on a bit of a shopping spree and now feel sorry. All of my purchases were somewhat impulse buys because I felt like I needed something material to satisfy me. It never has in the past, but there's always a first time, right? I have since come to the conclusion that I need to be my project, but I don't know what that means.
I went out today wearing ripped black pants and white socks. I regularly do a snatch back on my hair, I wear knit pants most of the time because my behind has spread and my more fitted items don't fit. I look like hell and I don't think that I'm worthy of looking better.
I feel depressed about my weight and my inability to commit to regularly making good food choices. I get up with the best intentions and make good choices in the early part of the day. I can't maintain my resolve, however, throughout the evening and end up consuming way too many calories. It's absolutely amazing to me how easy it is to exceed my targeted caloric intake.
Well, I don't know what to do.
As a way of distracting myself and addressing the anxiety I feel, I thought that I should get a home project. I had a great time decorating my mother's apartment and my house is a blank canvas. I went on a bit of a shopping spree and now feel sorry. All of my purchases were somewhat impulse buys because I felt like I needed something material to satisfy me. It never has in the past, but there's always a first time, right? I have since come to the conclusion that I need to be my project, but I don't know what that means.
I went out today wearing ripped black pants and white socks. I regularly do a snatch back on my hair, I wear knit pants most of the time because my behind has spread and my more fitted items don't fit. I look like hell and I don't think that I'm worthy of looking better.
I feel depressed about my weight and my inability to commit to regularly making good food choices. I get up with the best intentions and make good choices in the early part of the day. I can't maintain my resolve, however, throughout the evening and end up consuming way too many calories. It's absolutely amazing to me how easy it is to exceed my targeted caloric intake.
Well, I don't know what to do.
Thursday, January 3, 2008
Today
I know, inventive and telling title, but I couldn't think of anything. I feel better since starting to move. I've been to the gym five of the last seven days. I missed the gym and am glad to be back. My back is still weak so I've been taking it easy. No more than 45 minutes of cardio and I just added weights in yesterday. Tomorrow is Pilates. Saturday, Yoga. My goal is to do something every day.
Eating is still a challenge. I just can't seem to get focused in a consistent and effective way on eating better. I don't eat junk, but I eat way too much. I also absolutely adore alcohol. I'm going to take a break from JC because I miss food and cooking. I want to try soups and stir fries. I suppose it's constant retraining and thinking about making better choices.
I watched a series of documentaries on obesity and dieting this weekend. It was sad and frightening to watch these people who weighed nearly 1000 pounds. Some of them consumed as much as 30,000 calories! I don't want that for my life and I don't know what will prevent me from getting there. I never expected to be this heavy and am having a very difficult time getting below this weight. I haven't given up, but must admit that I do feel hopeless. I work everyday to change my mindset.
Feel a bit sleepy. Hopefully I can empty my mind and get some rest this evening.
Eating is still a challenge. I just can't seem to get focused in a consistent and effective way on eating better. I don't eat junk, but I eat way too much. I also absolutely adore alcohol. I'm going to take a break from JC because I miss food and cooking. I want to try soups and stir fries. I suppose it's constant retraining and thinking about making better choices.
I watched a series of documentaries on obesity and dieting this weekend. It was sad and frightening to watch these people who weighed nearly 1000 pounds. Some of them consumed as much as 30,000 calories! I don't want that for my life and I don't know what will prevent me from getting there. I never expected to be this heavy and am having a very difficult time getting below this weight. I haven't given up, but must admit that I do feel hopeless. I work everyday to change my mindset.
Feel a bit sleepy. Hopefully I can empty my mind and get some rest this evening.
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