Sleepless

It's going on two or more months since I've had a decent night's sleep. I find myself awake until 2 or 3 am, dozing off and then having a difficult time waking up. I don't feel refreshed in the morning and when it's time to go to bed, I find myself dreading it. I told my doctor about it only to learn that neither he nor his nurse sleep. I seem to be meeting more and more people who don't sleep.

Is this an epidemic of sorts? Are people stressed out about the election and the economy to the point that they're not resting? What does lack of rest do to your mind and body? Anyway, he suggested that I take Benedril. I tried it last night and it worked. I did wake up groggy, though. Perhaps I should try taking it earlier in the evening. I feel a little tired now. I wonder if I could sleep without an aid.

I've noticed something and I don't quite know how to react to it. I don't seem to desire or be as satisfied by food anymore. It hasn't resulted in any weight loss, mind you, but it has diminished some stress. For the past several days I've just been focused on food as a way to alleviate hunger rather than to overcome some deep dissatisfaction. I haven't thought about it as a companion at all.

I feel very disconnected from my body and am hopeful that this will mark the beginning of a new relationship with food; one that isn't co-dependent or plagued with addiction. Could it be that the reading and preparation for surgery has had a positive effect on me?

I still feel deeply embarrassed by my inability to lose weight. I just can't seem to break 300. I should do a liquid fast and see what happens. I really want to lose some poundage before my last weigh in at WTG. I'm sure not looking forward to seeing LB again. Maybe I should shift to liquids two weeks before my weigh in.

The money thing still has me down. I don't need anything and don't mind living lean at all, but I have committed my funds in such a way that I don't have money for gas and can't make all of my November bills. Hmmm. I must get a handle on this.

So, what to make of a new weekend? Tomorrow is class and then home to clean a little something. I'll see what my back can endure. Sunday is read and write day. I must finish the draft for the Green Ribbon proposal so that I can get feedback.

It's a slow mind day. I don't have anything else to report.