Sleepless

It's going on two or more months since I've had a decent night's sleep. I find myself awake until 2 or 3 am, dozing off and then having a difficult time waking up. I don't feel refreshed in the morning and when it's time to go to bed, I find myself dreading it. I told my doctor about it only to learn that neither he nor his nurse sleep. I seem to be meeting more and more people who don't sleep.

Is this an epidemic of sorts? Are people stressed out about the election and the economy to the point that they're not resting? What does lack of rest do to your mind and body? Anyway, he suggested that I take Benedril. I tried it last night and it worked. I did wake up groggy, though. Perhaps I should try taking it earlier in the evening. I feel a little tired now. I wonder if I could sleep without an aid.

I've noticed something and I don't quite know how to react to it. I don't seem to desire or be as satisfied by food anymore. It hasn't resulted in any weight loss, mind you, but it has diminished some stress. For the past several days I've just been focused on food as a way to alleviate hunger rather than to overcome some deep dissatisfaction. I haven't thought about it as a companion at all.

I feel very disconnected from my body and am hopeful that this will mark the beginning of a new relationship with food; one that isn't co-dependent or plagued with addiction. Could it be that the reading and preparation for surgery has had a positive effect on me?

I still feel deeply embarrassed by my inability to lose weight. I just can't seem to break 300. I should do a liquid fast and see what happens. I really want to lose some poundage before my last weigh in at WTG. I'm sure not looking forward to seeing LB again. Maybe I should shift to liquids two weeks before my weigh in.

The money thing still has me down. I don't need anything and don't mind living lean at all, but I have committed my funds in such a way that I don't have money for gas and can't make all of my November bills. Hmmm. I must get a handle on this.

So, what to make of a new weekend? Tomorrow is class and then home to clean a little something. I'll see what my back can endure. Sunday is read and write day. I must finish the draft for the Green Ribbon proposal so that I can get feedback.

It's a slow mind day. I don't have anything else to report.

A New Week Begins

It's Sunday again and I'm not feeling any more focused than I was last week. I actually feel a bit numb. I was listening to a CD yesterday that included meditations. One of the exercises was to stop and think about what you're feeling. I couldn't come up with anything. I don't know exactly what that means.

I talked to VW on Friday about my last encounter with LB and she was helpful. She said that LB has some difficulty with her personal interactions and is overworked and unhappy in her position. Not that those things are an excuse or that her behavior wasn't inappropriate, but it gave me a frame of reference for what happened. She also said that she may have found a new job and won't be there when I return. In either case, she suggested that I ask for an appointment with the other nutritionist just so I can end the program on a positive note. I still want to try something liquid.

I hate that I'm so obsessed with weight. I haven't answered the questions of what my life is like after weight loss with the band. I hope that it's filled with confidence, increased self esteem, less physical pain, travel, laughter, friends, fashionable clothes and hot butt-naked sex.

VW challenged me to put together a vision board. I think it's a good idea and will hopefully help me move past the weight loss obsession.

I Gained a Pound and a Half

My depression and hunger got the better of me this week and I ate too much resulting in a gain. I wasn't devastated, though I did spend the day eating White Castle and potato chips. I'm going to get back on the program tomorrow. I'm thinking about a liquid diet so that I can possibly lose 20 pounds by the time I weigh in next time at Weigh to Go. Maybe I could try some combination of Atkins shakes and vegetable juices.

I went to a support group this evening at my surgeon's office. I found it helpful. There were a lot of people there and those that have had their surgery were very positive. I got to sit next to the one person in the room that had lap band. She said that the loss is slow and steady and she's happy with her decision.

I don't feel understood or supported by those close to me in my decision to go this route. It's okay. People don't understand a decision to volunteer for surgery. They think that I should work harder to make lifestyle changes that will help me meet my goals. I feel like I've been through it all and this is the last thing left for me to try. If this doesn't work then I'll do whatever it takes to live fat and happy. I'll do as many meds, therapy and affirmations as I possibly can to make myself tolerable to me. I have to try this, though, in spite of what people think.

I'm going to bed.

Monday Musings

It was a good day. MLB, PB and I met to talk about next steps for the project. PB was on the same page as MLB and I and it was nice to feel supported and hear some of our ideas and concerns echoed. MLB and I feel like we have clear marching orders and are working well together. I feel good about work and am wanting that feeling to translate into other areas of my life.

I looked back over my materials and realized that I've actually gained 8 pounds since joining WTG. That's kinda bad. I feel so stressed about losing weight. I go to JC on Wednesday and I don't that I had a good week. I let my depression get the better of me and showed out with food on a number of nights. I didn't do as badly as I could and have, but I still haven't yet figured out what to channel that energy into. I have to find something that provides me the same comfort and escape that food does.

My depression wasn't as intense today. I think it's because I feel that I did good work today. I have to occupy my mind with something that is productive and outside of myself. I always find this to be the case, but I also think that by not thinking about what's causing the depression and trying to dismantle the feelings I'm not dealing with it. I suppose I should just focus on what I know works. I suppose I should practice occupying my mind with other productive thoughts that make me feel smart and useful and engaged.

I want to eat, but I don't know why. I don't feel especially sad or dissatisfied, but I want pizza or french fries or White Castle.

I still feel bad about the interaction with the nutritionist last week. I feel embarrassed and tired and judged and like a failure. I have to work on my attitude prior to our next meeting and go in focused and unapologetic. It is what it is and I didn't try as hard as I could or should have. There really was no reason for me to gain 8 pounds. I feel very stressed about my weight and having to lose.

I want something to look forward to. I want to start my bathroom project. I want something beautiful and new going on in my life. That, or go on a trip. I would like to see the ocean and have a spa day.

I'm all over the place. I'll sign off.

Thoughts on the Eve of a Monday

My ability to manage my depression is slipping. I don't go back to those deep, dark places, but I do feel very unhappy about some decisions I've made and I can't seem to forgive myself for them. I feel that I've irreparably damaged my life and that I'll never be satisfied with the life I have. I also seem to be shaky on how to make some positive changes to begin to feel better about my life.

I feel that the financial hole I've dug for myself has so deeply and adversely impacted my life that I'll always be in a precarious and insecure position. I'm genuinely afraid and worried about money. I create budgets. I track my expenses. I save. I shop around for car and home insurance. I look for the best credit card offers. I place limits on my spending on meals out, travel, and personal items. I've made job moves that have increased my salary. I bought a home. I drive a car that's paid for. I have managed to rack up quite a bit of credit card debt, however, that I'm not sure I can get myself out of. I often find myself on payday with no cash to last me from day to day.

I want a better quality of life and unless I get a handle on this, I'll never achieve it. I feel like my stupidity around money is reason for me to be punished. I am literally broke. Thank God my job isn't in jeopardy because without it I have no safety net. This makes me feel bad and contributes to my depression.

I saw my gym crush yesterday. It confirmed for me that I do want a relationship and sex in my life. I want it with someone who I care about and cares about me. I have denied myself this because of my weight and my belief that I'm a bad person. It's hard for me to accept that anyone who could find me attractive has anything to offer. It's contradictory; on the one hand I don't believe I'm worthy of anybody. On the other, I believe that I'm too good for those who find me desirable.

Poor money decisions and an inability to manage my weight have been my justification for living a small life. This depresses me. I'm very aware of it and I think that I suck because of it. I've just wasted all this time and have accomplished a mere fraction of what I could because I'm constantly engaged in social comparison and believing that others are more significant and competent than I am. I can't seem to become satisfied with the life I have and am ambiguous about the life I want. I think I want to be someone else. That makes it impossible to ever be satisfied.

I feel overwhelmed by my depression. My back is feeling a bit better so I worked in the basement yesterday and today took a short walk. Both were hard because my back is not healed, by any means, and I was distracted by pain during each activity. I feel like I don't deserve good health because I've lived my life in such an irresponsible way and wouldn't know what to do with anything of value.

I don't know what to do. When we were shopping for headstones yesterdays, I became acutely aware that I want to live a long life. I want the opportunity to get it right and demonstrate to myself that I can overcame my depression and live a meaningful and happy life. I also want to find and fully explore that thing or those things that make my soul come alive. I want to get moving on this. To remain stuck is to be unappreciative of the gifts that I have.

I told my mother yesterday that I find very little joy in life. I suppose that wasn't the right thing to say to your mother, but we were talking about some things and I was honest. Everything seems very dark to me. I do feel as though life is over. I don't want it to be over, but when I look that's all I see.

I don't know how to lift myself out of this or even if I can.

Why I don't Suck: an exercise in perceiving a new reality

So, my friend RT and I were reviewing my day yesterday and discussing my addictions to obesity and financial lack and she suggested that we both partake in a little exercise. It's a two-parter. Part one, identify where the messages of unworthiness came from. Part two, identify three to five characteristics that refute the message.

Here goes...

Part I

My messages of unworthiness came from peers, family members, health professionals, store clerks, strangers, crushes, teachers, veterinarians, homeless people, the media and anyone else who did or did not see me and my fat ass in a public or private setting. The message that I was unattractive, unintelligent, unworthy, and unlikely to have anything good has been reinforced throughout my life and I continue to believe it.

Part II

• I have good writing skills.
• I've helped the organization I work for raise $600,000 in new money.
• A lot of smart, good people love me.
• I helped relocate my mother into a space that is safe, attractive and perfect for where she is in her life now.

Well that's four, which is the only whole number between three and five, so I think that I satisfied the task.

That was hard and even looking at it I'm afraid to post it. What if someone disagrees and sends me a message that I suck? Notice that some of those are qualified. I can't claim that I AM a good writer or that I played a leadership role in getting the money or relocating my mother. I have to minimize it and question it even though I know it's all true.

I feel all at once damaged and dishonest. I feel that I'm sub-human because I can't manage my weight and I feel uncertain that I feel that way because it seems so outrageous. There are people in the world dealing with so much more than a few extra pounds. I am immeasurably blessed.

So, why is this such a big deal for me? Why can't I let this go and move on with living a full life? Why does it feel like an albatross? Why am I so obsessed? Why am I thinking about a hamburger and potato chips?

I want to correct this. I want to stop denying myself things and experiences and growth and LIFE because I bought into the myth that I am in some way and for some reason a bad person. I've made mistakes. I've been at the front end of some unfortunate circumstances. I've never intended malice or hurt. The pain I've caused wasn't fueled by ego, but by ignorance. I'm much more careful now.

Doesn't that count for something? Can you, BL, forgive me just a little bit?

Emotions Running Wild

I had another stressful encounter with the dietitian at Weigh to Go. She asked me repeatedly why I was there as if I wasn't supposed to be and wasn't welcome. I told her I felt as though I was being attacked. Her response was apologetic, but not shocked. I can't help but think that she was attacking me, so wasn't surprised when I called her on it. She said that it was my time and she was just trying to understand how she could be helpful. I wish I had jumped her, screamed and beaten her death. I feel bad enough about having to get up, travel and talk with people about why I'm failing at a weight loss program. I don't want to deal with someone who's unhappy and snide.

In the interest of full disclosure, I should say that I've been enrolled in the program for the last six months and have managed to gain 2 pounds. I haven't found the program to be very supportive. In actuality, you only have to show up three times every 6 months (which is just plain dumb), the tracking method is convoluted and difficult, and the staff is unfriendly and disinterested. I feel hurt and sorry that I signed up for the program. I'm also feeling embarrassed and ashamed that I wasn't able to lose even one pound.

So, my whole day has been tainted by my interaction with her. I have completely lost sight of the fact that I showed up there once a month because I needed to for insurance to approve my weight loss surgery. I want surgery and this is something that I had to endure in order to prepare my application.

I've also hit a financial bump that is causing me great stress. I feel like I'm addicted to being broke and fat. It makes me feel like such a loser. I feel like four decades more of this is simply not acceptable. I want a seachange--a dramatic shift in my energy and my perception about myself and my expectations of what my life can be like.

How does one kick the habit of a behavior or state of being? Is it the same as kicking the habit of a substance? How do you begin to feel that you're worthy of better circumstances and that it's okay to be who you are?

What I Learned Tonight

I feel like I'd like to have someone in my life and there are no prospects and I have neither the energy nor the confidence to identify any and that makes me feel lonely.

When I go out into the world I see people who are hurting, animals that are abandoned or lost and a city in serious disrepair. That makes me feel sad.

Both make me eat.

So, today I ate crackers and cheese and yogurt and fruit and meatloaf and potatoes and vegetables and popcorn and roast beef and mushrooms and a tortilla. I feel finished eating now, but I did have a whirlwind session.

What could I have done differently? What could I have done to comfort myself in my feelings of sadness and loneliness? Is it as simple as saying to myself that I'm not alone and I'm not sad?

Fuck, I don't even know. I want to lose weight. I'm tired of failing. Why is this so hard? I just want to get myself under control.

What the @#$% DO I Know?

At the urging of my therapist, I watched "What the Bleep Do We Know?" As with the last time I tried to watch it, the first part was incomprehensible, but I did get the second part of the film. I feel like it's information that I've heard before, but just presented differently. I was particularly intrigued by the discussion about the cellular damage caused by our thoughts and how our minds determine what our bodies look like.

So what thing, person, emotional pattern, item, thought process am I addicted to that has locked me into the life that I have? Into the body that I have? Into the financial condition that I have? Into the fears that I hold on to? How do I break these addictions once I've identified them? How do I identify them?

All I want is a bigger, more evolved, happier, more meaningful life. Is that so much to ask? I don't mind doing the work to get there. I just need to understand what the work is and how to do it.

What role does God play in all this? I am, admittedly a bit confused about God. I don't believe that he's this big ole angry white man in the sky waiting to punish me if I have a drink or a lustful thought. But I don't know exactly what He is or how to access him. One of the experts interviewed in the film said that we're all in the process of becoming Gods. Another said that we all have the ability to become the avatars we worship, like Jesus and Buddha. I've heard this before and the intellectual part of me believes this. It makes sense. How is it that no one has come along since either of them who can motivate, inspire, and educate in the same way that they do? Where are the contemporary Jesus and Buddha?

There's another part of me, though, that thinks this is blasphemous. I, the equivalent of Jesus and having the possibility to become like the Buddha? Don't seem right.

I want to answer these questions and become the next higher evolution of myself.

Fucking Turd!

I acknowledge that I'm out of control and that I don't know how to regain it. Once again I got up with the best intentions and once again I blew it. This time with Halloween candy. I feel so disgusted and discouraged and gaseous. All I want is to lose one fucking pound and it's as though I have no capacity to do it! I feel very sad. I feel that I can never be happy if I can't control what goes into my mouth.

So here I sit in my office using my ass like a horn and wondering what does this say about me? Do I really want to lose weight or is it more important to me to satisfy my fleeting cravings? Can I be happy as a person who weighs 350, 400 or even 520 pounds? I feel like this is where I'm heading if I can't get myself focused.

It's hard for my friends and family to understand how stressed I am about my weight. I apparently am more influenced by media and culture than I thought. I very much identify as an obese person and all the stereotypes that accompany that. I feel stupid and invisible and ignored and undesirable every day of every month of every year. I think I suck. Hard. If I'm honest, the only reason I feel this way about myself is because I'm fat. Again, my friends and family think this is extreme, but it's honest. I feel that I and everything around me is shit.

If anyone read this, they would think that I'm some self-pitying fat girl who just needs to commit to spending every evening at Weight Watchers and the gym. I wouldn't blame them. It's very cathartic for me, however, to finally put to paper and say aloud in some forum that this is the way I feel and this is what consumes my thoughts on a daily basis and there is nothing I want more in life than to change my thoughts and there's nothing I know less about than how to do that. This to me is pretty pathetic.

Whew! I feel better.

Random

Today was a high pain day. I don't know if it's the weather or my cycle, but the smallest bit of standing really bothered me. I had to leave at 3:30 for Vicodin and bed rest. I feel better now. Vicodin really is a great pain reliever. It's too bad that people abuse it.

I'm at a crossroads with regards to what to do about my back. I don't feel that I have enough information to make a decision about decompression treatments. I need to feel reasonably certain that it's not a rip off before I can commit. The pain treatments are painful and don't help. I should go back and see Dr. C., but I haven't been able to lose any weight and I feel like I haven't done everything she told me to do and that I'm not worth another option (yes, I said it!). I'm thinking that I'll just get through the holidays and make a decision come January.

I finished PT for my knee on Wednesday (yippee). Now, my ankle hurts. I think it's just some muscle strain. I'm going to deal with it. I don't want anymore PT for a while.

I spoke with someone today about scheduling my bariatric pysch eval. I hope she'll call me tomorrow to set a date. I feel a little nervous, but I've decided to just be as honest as I can. I believe that I'm ready. VW cosigned my thought process, reasoning and expectations. I'm in a good place and feel very good about my decision. I can't wait to finish WTG and get on with it.

Speaking of WTG, I really don't want to go back. I don't think that LB and I hit it off and she is just stress inducing for me. I'm waiting for her head to come to a point. I just can't stand how rehearsed she is. Admittedly, I am very embarrassed and disappointed that I haven't lost any weight. I do feel that I've benefited from the program in spite of that, however. I am more conscious and feel that I make better food choices. I also think that I've put a little distance between me and food. I really want to learn to eat again and reduce my intake.

So, should I tell WTG that I've decided on surgery? I really don't know. If I could lose some weight I would. If I can get myself together enough and lose some weight by my October 15 visit, I'll tell them that I'm going to have surgery. No matter what, I only have two more visits, which is good. I am, however, going to go in lighter than I am now.

I rejoined JC. I do better with a weekly program. It gives me a beginning and an end to my week. I ate a big bag of potato chips this weekend, so I don't think that I did that well. I would, however, like to go to my weigh in. I don't need any food, though. I'll think about it and let myself know.

What else? What else? I suppose nothing. I felt compelled to write, though this is a fairly dull post.

Woman Under Construction

As part of the process of preparing for surgery, I've been reflecting on my habits and what makes me eat when I eat, eat what I eat and the emotions or circumstances related to my choices. It's all at once eye opening and empowering and depressing and a bit crazy.

I have a lot of issues around worth and value. I actually question whether or not I deserve a good life and to have what I want and need in order to be fulfilled. At some point, I gave up my right to grant myself permission to do what I want to do and to feel what I feel. I recognize this, but I notice that I still do it. Even with the surgery, it wasn't until Dr. W. said if you want surgery you should consider x, y and z -- it depends upon what YOU want to do. I didn't truly feel that it was an option until he said that.

This morning I realized that I don't have enough money to pay my expenses for the next few weeks. I would have enough if I hadn't agreed to pay RH according to such an aggressive schedule. I just needed to demonstrate to him that I could afford the project. What I didn't take into consideration is that he presented me with an invoice that, though fair, wasn't what we discussed at all and expected immediate payment! I should have been reflective and given him a set of terms that work for me. Why didn't I? I am so stressed about money.

I feel like I need to apologize to everyone for being me. I feel like I need to find ways to not take up too much "space" in the world. I have to be careful not to offend, demand, need, ask, want because someone will remind me that I'm not worthy and that I've taken too much. I feel very deeply that this is a core issue, but I don't know how to resolve it. I have a stream of images running through my mind as I write this of episodes where I accepted crumbs or set myself up to be served crumbs.

Yesterday felt good. I did my water aerobics class. The water felt warm and safe and I was pleased with myself for getting there. Afterward, I took a long shower and washed my hair. I pulled on my house dress and went to get my brows arched. I spent part of the evening grooming my locs and they look good. My bad feelings about myself manifest in the form of poor hygiene. I will go for days without bathing, won't pay attention to my clothes and appear as though I am quite literally dragging my ass.

I took some time yesterday to do these few things and I think that I look a little less busted. You know, I'm not fully convinced that I do these things for myself, but rather to appear more acceptable to others. I suppose the reason I offered to pay RH according to a schedule that ultimately doesn't work for me is because I feel like I have to sacrifice myself for the comfort of others so that I won't be chastised for taking too much. It's how I seek acceptance.

As I contemplate my next four decades, I very much want to heal myself of this behavior. I'm as worthy and deserving as the next person and I need to start acting like it. I'm tired and I want a better life. Part of getting it is having the courage to stand up and claim it for myself.

Foul Mood, Foul Odor

I started therapy again. I'm glad to be back. I feel like it's a good time in my life to do this. I really want change. I want to deal with the thoughts and behaviors that prevent me from living to the fullest. I want to feel more happy, more satisfied, less punishing toward myself. I am capable of living a bigger life and I want to experience it before I die.

I suppose it's actually a bit dramatic to describe my mood as foul. I feel irritated, restless, distracted, worried and annoyed, which I don't think equates to foul. It adds up to something, I just don't know what. I do know that I feel some intensity. I feel stressed about money and weight loss and the ability to make real change in my life.

Everyday I wake up with the best intentions and everyday I mess up somewhere along the way. Today it was potato chips. I had been thinking about them, but had no problem saying no to buying some. I come home and MM has brought some by to help SJ celebrate her birthday. If they weren't in the house, I wouldn't have eaten them. Seeing them there after just having a thought about them, though, was too much to resist.

I want to change my habits and become a virgin to food. I'd like to experience it as something beautiful, sensual, creative, communicative and controllable. I want a different relationship with it. I want to eat for the pleasure of eating; not because I'm addicted to it or because I need some vitamin D, but because food connects people on a variety of different levels. Perhaps that sounds romantic. I do really like food both as a comforter and a creative medium. I want to find something else to comfort me, but continue to build my culinary skills and knowledge without the fear or temptation of losing myself to food.

So, what's this about odor? I'm in the basement. I put the cat boxes down here and also had some seepage issues. It smells like a combination of mildew and cat urine. Not cool. It's a large area and needs to be swept and mopped. The floor probably also needs to be scraped down and repainted. I so want to do it myself and I find myself discouraged by the fact that I shouldn't. AL and SJ don't seem to notice or aren't bothered by the smell so no one's anxious to clean it except me. It actually makes me angry that I hurt and can't maintain the house to my standards.

Alas, I have decided to try it. I'll get up early in the morning and sweep and mop as much of it as I can. I can just take a Vicodin and get some ice afterward. Hopefully, it won't hurt too much.

I want to go to bed, but I am concerned that the chips have given indigestion. I have to schedule my psych eval for my surgery. What if the doctor says I'm nuts and have unrealistic expectations? I don't believe I do, but what if I say the wrong thing?

Okay, I need to stop buying myself worry. All I can do is go in and talk honestly about my decision and the thought process leading up to it. I think that it will bode well for me that I'm in therapy now.

Til.