Midnight Randomness

It's 12:33 on Sunday morning. I made the mistake of taking a nap and am concerned that I'll be up until dawn. I've been having a terrible time getting to sleep lately. Many nights I haven't dozed off until 3 in the morning. I've had a headache for the last three days and my right eye hurts when touched. The skin around my eyes is going through its change of season thing so it's dark and scaly. I had a massage today that loosened up the muscles in the hip and lower back allowing me to take a short walk, which was kind of exciting.

I perceive myself as having a wealth of physical challenges that are causing me to withdraw even more from participating in my life. I just want to scream and cry right now. I want something, but I just have no idea what it is or how to get it. I think at times that it's some type of spiritual awakening, but I feel challenged to stop worrying and feeling frightened long enough to get centered and listen.

I've been reading a blog written by a woman in Seattle about her lap band experience. She has nearly 50,000 hits and each post gets on average 4 responses. I, and many others, really enjoy reading her blog. It's upbeat, funny at times, pithy and full of cool images. For a second I felt a bit of jealousy. I want my blog to be one that people enjoy reading and follow with some regularity. I got over it pretty quickly, though. I am not in the same place that she is and it's okay. I need to exorcise some shit and this is the place in which I've chosen to do it.

I just watched "PS, I love you" with ARL and SCJ. The movie was too long and the romantic stuff was a bit over the top for me, but it got me thinking. Are we all entitled to love, to companionship, sex, and affection? I don't have an answer to the question. This surfaced for me because of one of Swank's lines where her character says that she hasn't been held or had sex or something. She said it as though it's an expectation or a right.

I never saw it as such. I have two recurring fantasies. One revolves around me wanting someone and them kinda liking me, too, but not acting on it because I'm so fat and they don't want to be ridiculed by other people. The other involves someone who really likes me, but I don't relent because I can't believe that anyone could care about me because of my appearance and weight. I suppose these are not really fantasies, huh? Others who describe their fantasies say that in them, they're elevated to the status of rock star. In the latter, I do get a great kiss, which is something I've never had.

Comcast put a hit out on my service. If I don't comply by October 3, they'll kill my Internet. Other parts of my package will be eliminated at later dates if I continue to resist their demands. It made me feel a bit sad. I feel that I'm too old and make too much to have no money and be behind on my cable bill. It surfaced for me my regrets.

Regret number one: not managing my financial life in a more forward thinking manner.

Regret number two: being fat for all of my life to date.

I have a few others like wishing I had stayed in Florence that summer, or wishing I had gone to school in NYC or wishing I hadn't fucked so and so...you know, episodes that make me wince, but those two are the biggies. To this day, they continue to impact my life.

What four decades more means to me is turning that around. Making choices that support the financial and physical life I want rather than the one I've had. Some days I'm more motivated than others, but I suppose this is what it's about.