Post-op

I had surgery on February 16 and all went well. I'm near the end of the clear liquid phase, but admit that I broke. It's 8:30 on day 6 and I feel weak and tired and distracted. I just had 4 oz. of a protein drink that I'm technically not allowed to have until tomorrow morning. I did my best. I didn't do badly.

Right now, I'm optimistic about my potential for success. I'm very impressed that with the exception of a couple tablespoons of cottage cheese and a piece of brownie (a test; wanted to see if I would get sick or if it would taste different) I was able to stick to clear liquids for this many days. I could be below 300 pounds by the end of the week, which is exciting. While I cannot begin to express the pain in my back, I feel good and have no regrets about following this path.

As for other paths or "the" path, that's another story. I'm reading a book about Lincoln and his melancholy. I didn't know that he was a depressive who contemplated suicide most of his young life. What kept him on the planet was an overwhelming desire to make an impression on his generation. 

Talk about a BHAG! Damn!

On an almost daily basis, I ask and have asked myself for many years what keeps me on the planet. I love and feel responsible to my family and friends, but is that enough? Can you stay on the planet for other people? What about me? What about what I want? Does that matter? Is it selfish and inappropriate to even ask?

How do I find what I'm supposed to do or who I'm supposed to be? Is this it? If so, how do I accept that and get over the need to quest for something more and different? This feeling of discontentment is hard to bear.  

One more for the road

I want to burn Detroit down. 

I think it's ultimately the only way to spare it from further degradation. I could go into hiding for six to eight months. During this time I would assemble a corps of sympathizers and canvass the city with pamphlets that include the day and time of the burning with an explanation as to why. This would give those who can time to get out of town. My crew and I would set fires that would burn easily because of all the vacant and abandon land that define the city. The fires would start in all corners of the city as well as the center. The fires would start simultaneously so the fire department wouldn't have time to respond. It would burn and return to itself naturally and uninhabited. 

No more blight. Just green.

I guess now that I write down it's obvious that I need to find other ways to deal with my anger issues. 

So now that I've written this, if Detroit burns down am I a suspect?

Another thing to make you go hmmmmmmm.

Things that make you hmmmmmm

So here I sit five days before surgery and I'm worried. Not about the surgery, but about what comes next. I, of course, have the fear of failure. A number of people have WLS and don't lose weight or gain it back or lose a little, but never even approach their ideal weight and I'm afraid that I'll be one of them. I'm afraid that I won't be able to turn off or get control over my eating and obsession with weight even after being banded. I'm afraid that weight loss won't restore enough of the function of my back to begin exercising again. I don't want to sit around every day all day thinking about what to eat or not and am I losing weight or not. I just want my life to be about more than my weight and I'm afraid that it won't be.

How much capacity do most of us have for true change? All my life I've wanted to develop the discipline to find something I love and cultivate genuine expertise in that area, but I haven't and am losing hope that I will. I wanted a career; instead I ended up with a string of jobs. I want to feel hopeful, but must admit that it's such an unnatural state for me it's easy to lapse back into fear-based thinking.

I feel this need to jump from project to project in order to keep from feeling this intense longing for something else. I really don't know if that something else is to declare bankruptcy, change my name and join a religious community in Tahiti or to become some high-powered executive who crushes people for fun. I feel crushed and that people's primary intention is to treat other people badly. I can't decide if I want to run from it or become part of it for the right price.

Why is basketball drama? I need to stop watching TV.

Anyway, I finished researching lap band surgery, I finished picking out all the goodies for my new bathroom and now I need another project. Maybe I'll start building a new wardrobe for myself--a whole new look. Maybe find a whole new identity, a career, expertise and hope.