I have been in therapy most of my adult life and on meds for depression for the past three years. I have set goals, achieved them and still I exist in a state that is just bearable. I, in all honesty, feel bad. I feel self-conscious, trapped, overwhelmed and sad. I have fleeting moments of excitement, happiness, and productivity, but by and large I find my life and myself, well, unbearable.
Is this as good as it gets? I have been working on this for many years to no avail, and I feel that I have neither the energy to keep working on it nor to go on living in this constant state of discontent. I don't want to admit that, but it feels true for me. If I could just identify what hurts so badly I could burn it out of my brain.
Is it possible to achieve happiness? Is it true that we all deserve happiness? Can I just get a little contentment? Actually, I'd prefer peace.
Monday, March 9, 2009
Friday, March 6, 2009
Battles
VW and I were talking a few weeks ago about how your life's circumstances dictate which battles you tackle and when. I have been involved in a stressful working relationship with a friend of mine that I chose not to deal with because of pain and surgery and depression and the fact that I didn't want to. I finally addressed it and now I feel terrible.
In addition to knowing that the contract I'd signed wasn't being fulfilled, I feel bad about basically calling into question my friend's professionalism and credibility. It was a very difficult and uncomfortable thing to do not only because this is someone I've known and cared about for many years, but also because I had no choice. I know, I know--in theory there's always a choice. What I mean to say is that when I consider my own healing I had no choice but to stand up for myself and declare my right to receive the services for which I had contracted and paid. I had to end the working relationship because I wasn't getting anything out of it but stress. I also felt compelled to tell the truth about why I was ending the relationship. The feeling of being up against a wall is nearly unbearable.
How did my behavior contribute to what could very well be the end of a friendship? I could have spoken up earlier when I had concerns about how things were (or were not) progressing. I could have severed the contract in person as opposed to via email, though I'm not sure this would have yielded a better outcome. I'm certain that I played some role, but I'm also certain that what was outlined in the contract wasn't delivered upon and that there's no evidence that she was ever even involved in the project!
I admit to feeling really hurt - as though I was taken advantage of. I also feel angry because I'm certain that she thinks it's about money when it's not. It's about doing the right thing by people whether or not you claim to love them.
In addition to knowing that the contract I'd signed wasn't being fulfilled, I feel bad about basically calling into question my friend's professionalism and credibility. It was a very difficult and uncomfortable thing to do not only because this is someone I've known and cared about for many years, but also because I had no choice. I know, I know--in theory there's always a choice. What I mean to say is that when I consider my own healing I had no choice but to stand up for myself and declare my right to receive the services for which I had contracted and paid. I had to end the working relationship because I wasn't getting anything out of it but stress. I also felt compelled to tell the truth about why I was ending the relationship. The feeling of being up against a wall is nearly unbearable.
How did my behavior contribute to what could very well be the end of a friendship? I could have spoken up earlier when I had concerns about how things were (or were not) progressing. I could have severed the contract in person as opposed to via email, though I'm not sure this would have yielded a better outcome. I'm certain that I played some role, but I'm also certain that what was outlined in the contract wasn't delivered upon and that there's no evidence that she was ever even involved in the project!
I admit to feeling really hurt - as though I was taken advantage of. I also feel angry because I'm certain that she thinks it's about money when it's not. It's about doing the right thing by people whether or not you claim to love them.
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