Midnight Randomness

It's 12:33 on Sunday morning. I made the mistake of taking a nap and am concerned that I'll be up until dawn. I've been having a terrible time getting to sleep lately. Many nights I haven't dozed off until 3 in the morning. I've had a headache for the last three days and my right eye hurts when touched. The skin around my eyes is going through its change of season thing so it's dark and scaly. I had a massage today that loosened up the muscles in the hip and lower back allowing me to take a short walk, which was kind of exciting.

I perceive myself as having a wealth of physical challenges that are causing me to withdraw even more from participating in my life. I just want to scream and cry right now. I want something, but I just have no idea what it is or how to get it. I think at times that it's some type of spiritual awakening, but I feel challenged to stop worrying and feeling frightened long enough to get centered and listen.

I've been reading a blog written by a woman in Seattle about her lap band experience. She has nearly 50,000 hits and each post gets on average 4 responses. I, and many others, really enjoy reading her blog. It's upbeat, funny at times, pithy and full of cool images. For a second I felt a bit of jealousy. I want my blog to be one that people enjoy reading and follow with some regularity. I got over it pretty quickly, though. I am not in the same place that she is and it's okay. I need to exorcise some shit and this is the place in which I've chosen to do it.

I just watched "PS, I love you" with ARL and SCJ. The movie was too long and the romantic stuff was a bit over the top for me, but it got me thinking. Are we all entitled to love, to companionship, sex, and affection? I don't have an answer to the question. This surfaced for me because of one of Swank's lines where her character says that she hasn't been held or had sex or something. She said it as though it's an expectation or a right.

I never saw it as such. I have two recurring fantasies. One revolves around me wanting someone and them kinda liking me, too, but not acting on it because I'm so fat and they don't want to be ridiculed by other people. The other involves someone who really likes me, but I don't relent because I can't believe that anyone could care about me because of my appearance and weight. I suppose these are not really fantasies, huh? Others who describe their fantasies say that in them, they're elevated to the status of rock star. In the latter, I do get a great kiss, which is something I've never had.

Comcast put a hit out on my service. If I don't comply by October 3, they'll kill my Internet. Other parts of my package will be eliminated at later dates if I continue to resist their demands. It made me feel a bit sad. I feel that I'm too old and make too much to have no money and be behind on my cable bill. It surfaced for me my regrets.

Regret number one: not managing my financial life in a more forward thinking manner.

Regret number two: being fat for all of my life to date.

I have a few others like wishing I had stayed in Florence that summer, or wishing I had gone to school in NYC or wishing I hadn't fucked so and so...you know, episodes that make me wince, but those two are the biggies. To this day, they continue to impact my life.

What four decades more means to me is turning that around. Making choices that support the financial and physical life I want rather than the one I've had. Some days I'm more motivated than others, but I suppose this is what it's about.

Dr. Wood

So, I had my first appointment today with the bariatric surgeon. It was a long day. There were papers to fill out, a session with the dietitian, a group session with the doctor, more papers to fill out and then a one-on-one with the doctor. I like him a great deal. I think he knows his stuff and is invested in his patients' success.

He thinks that I'll do well no matter the procedure. I'd prefer the lap band. It's less invasive and has a shorter recovery time. I don't want to spend time in the hospital or miss a lot of work. I think it's the right choice. Besides, it costs less so my out of pocket won't be so painful.

I'm getting the Realize Band, which has a pretty cool website. I'm going on to play around after I finish this just to see all that I can do. I need to work on making more positive changes to my diet. I'm eating way too much sugar, too few vegetables and fruits and quite a bit of red meat. I'm going to start by reducing my alcohol intake to no more than 4 times a month, making certain that all of my starches are whole wheat, and increasing my vegetable intake. I also need to work on reducing my caffeine intake. I do love my diet soda, however, so I'll have to work up to that.

I don't have a surgery date yet, and likely won't for another two to three months. I have to finish this supervised program and wait for insurance approval.

I want nothing more than to eat right now. I'm choosing not to, though. I want a new life and that requires better choices.

I ate a dozen cookies

I had planned my meals today. Breakfast: 2 slices of whole wheat toast with 2 tbs peanut butter and 2 tbs fruit spread. Lunch: brown rice with broccoli, chick peas, olives and feta cheese. Dinner: veggie burger topped with honey mustard and lettuce wrapped in a lavash. I felt good about this menu. I thought that it would be satisfying and reasonably healthy.

I started off fine, but then, while placing my food in the fridge at work, I came across the remains of a cookie bin. I started eating them at that very moment and actually replaced my lunch with cookies. I feel sick and tired and terrible and bloated and disgusted and discouraged. I could vomit, but I'm really working on stopping that. I haven't done it in a while and it's ultimately not helpful anyway. Also, I'm at work and I don't want to mess up the bathroom or my clothes.

I wonder if I'm a food addict. When I want comfort or feel bored or lonely, I do turn to food. I watch those programs on Discovery Health and TLC about the super obese and I see how much they eat at times and I think, hmmmm, I don't do that nor do I have a desire to, but I do oftentimes feel powerless to stop myself when an eating episode starts.

Why? I know that I want to get my weight under control. I know that my back hurts and my knees hurt and I look like utter hell, so why can't I just do this? I've decided that surgery is the answer, but why has it come to this? Why have I failed repeatedly to get my weight under control? Why is it so much easier to make the wrong choices than it is to make the right? I feel exhausted and disillusioned. Will I ever understand why I overeat to the point of jeopardizing my health and quality of life?

Why did I eat 12 cookies? Today I felt drowsy and distracted and like I don't want to go on anymore. I think the pain and anxiety that I feel about the pain and my growing obesity and about "what's next" make me feel overwhelmed. I don't want to participate or even move anymore. I feel trapped in this cycle of blame and unforgiveness. I work on (or at least believe I do) releasing these thoughts, but I am admittedly not there yet.

Can I be successful with surgery if I can't get a handle on what drives me to eat? How do I find ways to comfort myself and get a handle on the drive to eat? I just want to let go. So, why did I eat all those cookies? All I can come up with is I wasn't satisfied with my breakfast, I'm wanting to eat with abandon right now, I feel fat and ugly and terrible today and I guess I wanted to comfort and punish myself all at once.

Even as I write that I'm not sure that's what it is. I feel like it's something deep that I have yet to access. How do people uncover why they engage in detrimental behavior?

What do I want? What is it? What can possibly be the source of discontent in a decent life? I have to get out of me and into something else.

I suppose we aren't meant to completely understand ourselves. To commit one's life to doing so is very selfish.

Another Sunday

It's the beginning of another week and I feel like I'm not quite ready. I have meetings tomorrow and Tuesday and I have no interest in participating. I really just want to sit in my office and write. I enjoy the solitary nature of my job. I like to just go into my little room, close the door, crack the window and have at it.

I went to IKEA today and it was hard to walk. I wonder what the next step is with my back. It concerns me deeply. Next month will be a year of pain.

I am obsessed with the TLC program Brookhaven Obesity Clinic. There was a mini marathon today and I really didn't want to walk away from it. I fear that there, but for the grace of God go I. I never expected to be this weight with these mobility challenges. I think that the lives of the people profiled on the program are so hard and I have such a hard time believing that the administrator doesn't advocate surgery. The narrator refers to it as a "quick fix." I can't help but question the administrator's thinking. Perhaps if the residents could see some weight loss, regain their mobility and get some relief from their chronic conditions, they'd be motivated to kick their addictions. Minimally they'd feel better. I don't know. They're lives just seem so very, very hard and I can't imagine not considering every available option.

Unless something really sexy happens, I'll likely wait until Wednesday evening to check in again. It's the day I see Dr. Wood!

Overall Calm

It's Saturday. I woke up in pain and skipped my aqua aerobics class. My hips were especially painful. I rallied and cleaned my filthy refrigerator. I felt good after that. I couldn't bend over to get the freezer, but I'm thinking about how I can get it done tomorrow. I want to return to full functionality and sometimes I push myself toward that goal.

Last Monday, I had the nerve block test and it wasn't effective. The whole process was terribly painful and left me in more pain than when I went in. I didn't get any relief and it left me feeling convicted, concerned, perplexed, and in a state of disbelief. I still can't believe that at the age of 40 my mobility has been impaired to this degree. I have been fearful of losing mobility for several years, but I thought that it wouldn't even be a threat until I was in my 60s. It's still hard for me to believe that walking and standing and cleaning are a challenge for me. I often feel as though I made it up and if I would just stop writing this story it would end.

I don't know what to do next. Surgery is not an option and likely wouldn't help. The physical therapy didn't work. The injections haven't worked to date and I don't know what to expect. So, the act of cleaning my refrigerator today was one of rebellion. It needed to be done and I knew that neither of my house mates was going to do it. I'm not the best housekeeper in the world, but I do have standards. I don't think that I or anyone else should eat from a dirty refrigerator.

In addition to pain, I'm dealing with some real cash flow issues. I have never been a good money manager. I tend to spend everything I get and then some. As a result I've landed myself in $15,000 of credit card debt, have no savings and need about $560 more than I earn to cover my monthly expenses. I felt powerless, embarrassed and depressed when I was recently denied a $250 limit increase on my personal line of credit. I developed a budget and a set of strategies for myself that immediately restored a sense of accountability, hope and power. I'm committed to following my budget, eliminating my consumer debt by the end of next year and building my savings. I'm too old to have no cushion and to feel so stressed about money for no other reason than I buy things I can't afford.

My appointment with Dr. Wood is Wednesday. I'm excited, but trying to contain myself because I don't want to be disappointed if something goes wrong. I am battling with myself to stay focused on this as being something I want so that I can achieve greater health and a transformed life rather than getting sidetracked by what might happen and become a barrier to me getting what I want.

So, overall, I feel calm. I'm still hoping for a solution to my back problems. I have a plan to address my finances. And I remain excited about and convinced that my decision to have surgery is the right one.

It's all good.

Am I supposed to write everyday?

Why am I so obsessed with blog rules that do or so not exist?

Anywho, I had dinner with CMB and KGB this evening. I really enjoy and love them. I feel that I can be vulnerable and real with them. We also have good food all the time, which I absolutely adore.

I want CMB to be my advocate for my surgery, but I was hesitant to ask because I feel that she doesn't completely embrace my decision. She mentioned tonight, however, that if I couldn't find anyone else to call her. Should I? I suppose that I should just ask her and see what happens.

We talked tonight about live horror stories regarding people in the hospital or in emergency rooms. I suppose I should be dissuaded from having an optional surgery given some of the issues people experience in hospitals. I'm not dissuaded, though. I want the surgery and I want it as soon as possible. I want a new birthday. A new life.

SJ and I were talking about what a new life for me looks like. I have no answer. I think that it emanates from a feeling, which I don't have right now. I believe that I'll have it when I'm thinner. Right now I feel that everything revolves around my weight. I don't know what life looks like as a slim person. I don't know exactly what I expect. I just expect to feel different. And that by feeling different I'll have a different life experience.

I hope that it's a life filled with companionship, love, laughter, fashion, health, movement, travel, sex, entertainment, good food, good drink and good choices. I hope that it's a life that's more complete than the one I have now. One that's more expressive and interactive and fun and meaningful.

Probably a lot, too much, actually, to hang on a lower weight.

Speaking of a lower weight, it's been a month since I've been to my fat center and I haven't lost a pound. I suspect I've gained. I don't want to face the nutritionist again. I felt judged and apologetic and I don't want to feel that way again. I suppose the larger question is why can't I lose a pound? Am I insane? Am I just a failure? Am I hopeless? Will surgery work for me? Do I have a right to try after having failed so many times? I don't know. The whole thing makes me sad.

I shall face the nutritionist and the scale and while I may not be victorious, I can at least not be pathetic.

A New Life

I want a rebirth. A second chance. A new birth day. A new set of memories, accomplishments, joys, likes, loves, experiences.

Yes.

I have decided to have the surgery, but feel unsettled about my decision because I can't do this on my own. I can't get this weight off or even make a commitment to try. I'm so burned out on dieting that I just can't do another. I'm so disappointed and disillusioned about the failures that I just don't have the energy to try anymore. This combined with my belief that my life has ended make it difficult to be motivated.

Another concern I have is that after the surgery, I'll just look like a fat person who lost weight. I'll never secure the status or value of a person who achieved slimness through non-surgical means or is naturally slim.

I'm also having difficulty reconciling the contradictions. I want to eat with abandon. I'm not able to lose even 1 pound on the weight loss program I'm on now. Am I really capable of committing to the rigors of post-surgery life? And if not, what hope is there for me to engage in my life?

I don't want to go anywhere, do anything, advance in my career, bathe, dress. What if weight loss doesn't help to change some of this? I feel like I'm not welcome in the world. As though I'm not loved or capable of being loved and that nothing I do or think matters. I admit that I feel a bit tragic.

So what motivates people? Why does Barack Obama want to be president? Why do people want children? Why do they strive to achieve things on a professional level? Why do they seek love?

I do apologize for working out all my stuff in this space even though no one's reading it. Maybe I'm telling someone else's story and they will find it helpful.

Thoughts on eve of a weekend

I have noticed that I've been a bit withdrawn and apathetic this week. I feel very different from before, which is different from I felt before before. How does one get oneself to a place where one feels engaged and good? At the age of 40, why am I still asking this questions? When is it just what it is and that's what it is?

I feel very much that I want a new and different life, but I don't why or what it looks like. What is so wrong with my current life? Why am I 40 years old still asking this question??? I just can't take that. I thought that 40 meant total self acceptance and total love. I just thought that I'd be over all my stuff and be getting on with it.

So what does on with it look like? I thought that I'd be comfortable in my skin and that I'd have less of my skin. I thought that I'd be secure in my work and that I'd have a bona fide "career." I thought that I'd be an expert at something at this point. I thought that I'd be on my way to financial security. I thought that I'd have or have had a relationship. I thought that I would have evolved into all me all the time and be good with it.

If anything I feel more closed off from everything. I've minimized my life in a way that I thought made me feel more safe. I feel as though I need to be punished because I haven't been forgiven for some past transgression. I don't know what the transgression is or who's supposed to forgive me, but that's what I feel; as though I'm somehow unworthy of a good life and of love and support and help when I need it. I think I suck. I don't know why, but that's what I think and I don't know how not to suck anymore.

I feel like this is so pathetic! Why am I on the Internet whining about a life that is overall very decent. I have my education, a job I love, friends, my mother and my sister, overall good health, choices. I mean what is the problem? Why do I feel disengaged and bored and vacant?

I don't know. I don't know how to get answers. Is it a crisis of faith? How do I develop a legitimate and engaged relationship with God? I feel tired and not like trying anymore. If I don't do something, though, I'll just end with no fanfare or joy.

I never quite know when I'm through with these. I just want my surgery, I suppose. I want to see if life as a human sized person makes a difference. My fear about that is that I won't maintain it for life. That I'll end up absolutely huge.

I want a full life. I don't know exactly what that means or what it looks like.

Whew!

Fear & Loathing

I was going to skip writing today because there's so much going on inside of me right now and I still feel very uneasy about putting my stuff into these postings. Not because I feel like my stuff is so precious, but because it just feels strange to declare the right to purge myself. Some people would say that I shouldn't use a potentially public forum if I'm truly sensitive about this. I suppose for me it's about growth. It's about learning to be more expressive and vulnerable with the hope that I find a connection with someone else who feels or experiences in a similar way. I want to feel more alive...more human...more me.

So here goes. I want to scream and crawl out of my skin. I want to run and to travel and to act out decadently. At the same time, I want to rest deeply. The type of rest that I've never experienced and don't know if it really exist. The type of rest that results in being totally refreshed and alert and renewed to the point that you just can't wait until the next anything - everything! The next meal is exciting. The next work challenge is exciting. All of your relationships are exciting. The air is exciting. It's all just so damn exciting because you feel fresh and so does everything else. I don't know if that type of rest exists, but I sure would like to experience it.

I want something and I don't know what it is. I guess I need something and I don't know what it is. It keeps me up at night. It distracts me from my job. It impacts the way I interact in my relationships. It's got me feeling hopeless and discontent. I feel like my life is over and that I'm simply waiting to stop breathing. I don't want to bathe, dress, order my locs. I just go through the day looking for activities and reasons to be motivated. I'm going through the motions and hoping that by doing that I'll find some meaning and purpose. I really just want to withdraw and sleep and read.

This may sound a lot like depression, but I don't feel sad. I feel regret. I am disappointed that I didn't manage my financial life more responsibly and am now swimming in debt that seems insurmountable. I am disappointed that I spent the last four decades obese and denying myself love and fun and life. I have been on self-imposed punishment for my entire life. I feel as though I have a very poor quality of life and would very much like to have more flexibility at this point. My past decisions have landed me in this place and I don't know how to turn things around.

Perhaps this is what's making me want to scream.

I don't know how to end this one. I've imposed on all who may read this and I still want to scream.

Pain & Distraction

I've been thinking only of getting to this all day today. It's odd. I was having severe pain in my pelvic area that I believe is coming from my back. I could be wrong, but that's what I think. I feel distracted by the pain I experience and it's hard at times to remain focused. All I want to do is lay down until I can figure out a way to get rid of the pain. I suppose that's not possible.

In addition to pain, I think I'm also distracted by my decision to have surgery. I have yet to meet with the surgeon, who can still tell me no, or to talk with my primary care physician, who could tell me he won't cooperate, and I am failing at the physician-directed weight loss program and wonder if that will disqualify me. I want answers and a schedule. I have to wait until the 24th to meet with the surgeon and find out what's what. I meet with my doctor Wednesday.

I'm afraid to fantasize about life not weighing what I weigh, free of pain and depression. I do it, but I'm concerned that it can't or won't happen. I feel both tired and bored.

I suspect my blog is tiring and boring.

I'm back

I took a long time off because I felt that my posts were too full of pain and lacked gratitude. I suppose it is my intention to use this as an instrument of expression, but I began to feel uncomfortable about possibly making others feel uncomfortable. Claiming this space just for me feels like I'm burdening others with my emotions and thoughts and misgivings and errors and that didn't seem right to me.

Well, I'm back and I'm still not convinced that it's right to burden others with my issues and whining about being a fat girl. At the same time, I haven't resolved my desire to have a forum to talk about my feelings about my life and strong desire for change.

At this point, I'm over 300 pounds, which is a gain from where I was last time I signed in. I was initially feeling quite powerless about the gain. I am dealing with serious back pain caused by spinal stenosis, a herniated disk and spondylolisthesis. I just completed a round of PT that wasn't successful. I begin another round for my right patella on Wednesday. I'm hopeful that it will help because it is very painful to walk up and down stairs.

I share this because I haven't been able to work out since hurting my back. My pain manifest in difficulty standing and walking so it makes it hard to do many of the things I used to do and enjoy doing like walking, cooking, cleaning my home, jogging. This depressed and still gets me down. I miss exercising and feel that I can't take care of myself or manage my life.

My response to the pain has been to minimize. I don't do much other than go to work and even that has been impacted. I've started to work quite a bit from home. Fortunately, my boss is very cool and isn't about measuring my effectiveness by the number of hours I spend in the office. I write a lot and am able to do my work from anywhere, really. I work with wonderful people, which is great and unexpected.

So what does what have to do with what? Well, I've decided to have gastric bypass surgery. That was not the smoothest of segues, but it's what's on my mind and it's why I wanted to re-visit blogging. I want to use it to document my experience.

My decision was based on a lot of things. In spite of my best efforts, I now weigh more than I ever have in life. My mobility has been impaired by my back, which has, (in part anyway), been impacted by my weight. I have high blood pressure and depression and am concerned about diabetes and being confined to one of those little scooters.

So, to date, I've started a physician-supervised diet program and found a surgeon. I still have a ways to go, but feel confident that I will be scheduled by February 2009. I have gained 5 pounds since starting the weight loss program, which doesn't surprise me. I do feel a bit beaten up, though, after my last talk with the nutritionist. It's just humiliating to keep going through these programs and talking to these people about my weight and not losing anything. I feel judged and tired.

I want to work through some of the emotional issues that cause me to eat so that I'm prepared to be successful on my post-op diet. I'm 40 and figure that I'm about half way through. I spent the first 4 decades fat and would like to spend the next 4 not fat.

The journey begins one step at a time.