Happy New Year!

It's New Year's Eve and I feel calm and optimistic. I've worked out the last three days and I feel good. My back is bothering me, but I believe with movement that I can strengthen it and experience less pain. I have also gained quite a few pounds, which could be contributing to the pain and weakness.

The challenge for me is staying focused on small steps. I am tempted to think about the fact that I need to lose more than 80 pounds to get below 200. That's a lot. That's a whole lot. I am working to train myself to think about small successes. The fact that I'm back in the gym is a success. The fact that I haven't given up on myself in spite of my ongoing challenges with my weight is a success. In addition to weight loss, I'll have a string of other small successes that will pave my way to my ultimate success of achieving a healthier weight.

So, what am I thinking this New Year's Eve? Well, I don't assign much significance to the changing of one year to the next. I suppose that the landmarks for me are successfully relocating my mother to a place where she's happy, at peace and safe and getting through the second holiday season without my dad. Those for me are transition points that liberate me to move on to the next point.

Back to Gym

Well, today was the first day at the gym since October. I did 44 minutes of cardio and 90 crunches. I stopped when my back started to burn. I was going for 45 minutes, so I didn't do badly at all. My goal is to workout every day, even if only for a little while. I missed yoga today. I actually overslept. My Pilate's session on Friday went well. I think that Lynne is a good instructor. A little bossy, but I appreciate that she pays attention to my pain and body. I like working with her.

I feel optimistic. I feel that I can lose weight and live a healthier lifestyle. I am amazed by how much weight I've gained and how very fat I am. I'm beginning to trust, however, that I can make a change in my habits and lifestyle that will result in a more healthy weight. I do feel giant, though. I can't believe I allowed myself to get this big. It's hard to focus on the journey rather than the full picture. Sometimes, I feel defeated before I get started.

I have to continue to work on my attitude.

Post Christmas Fullness

I had a great time cooking the fritatta and french toast yesterday. I enjoy doing brunches because I feel a lot more free to do whatever and combine foods creatively. I also like that they happen earlier in the day and my guests leave in time enough for me to clean up the kitchen and relax. The food was very rich and complemented by pork. People enjoyed it so I suppose that's all that matters.

Joined a new gym today and am looking forward to starting to work out again. I think that making it part of my regular schedule will help me to feel better, strengthen my back and be better focused. In addition to the mantra (which I haven't created yet), I want to identify a goal to work toward without getting too hung up on my April birthday.

Bit tired--more later.

Christmas Eve

I feel restful today even though I rested all day yesterday. The headache and nausea from yesterday have subsided. I think that was caused by the medication. I feel good today. I'm going to start cooking soon. I do enjoy cooking and am looking forward to tomorrow's meal. Bit disappointed that Sharnita isn't coming, but I can understand her wanting to spend time with Tobby before she relocates. Not to mention that Miss Joyce is a fabulous cook and I would go there if I wasn't doing something here.

For 2008, I want my life to be about something other than my weight. I want it to be about friendship and family and health and home and personal development. I want to spend some time learning about my job and re-doing some of the rooms in my house. I like having projects. I feel less obsessive.

I'm getting up tomorrow morning and walking. I just don't want to go to another gym. I'm going to do outdoors, yoga and pilates and see where I end up come March.

Day 14

I re-read my post from yesterday and it was pretty angry and negative. I do feel angry about having gotten to this point in my life and not gotten my weigh under control. I do feel hopeless. It is going to be a lot of work for me to change my mind about my weight loss abilities.

I don't think that it's pointless to talk to other people about my challenge. Amy's been reading and commenting on my entries and I really appreciate it. I've been reading her blog, too, and find her goal of running a half-marathon encouraging. I'm also encouraged by her suggesting that I find my own program and what works best for me. I choose to follow pre-existing programs because I feel like I need to be accountable to someone. The flaw in this is that I'm not fully accountable to me. I'm following a program rather than making a lifestyle change that will result in lifelong health and my ability to sustain my ideal weight.

I need to get back to exercising. My back still bothers me, but I can do something. I don't feel motivated to go back to a gym. I don't know what I want to do instead, though. I'd like to come home. To set up an area at home where I could work out and combine that with outdoors when the weather improves. Starting this week, I'm going to get back on my schedule which means that I'll be getting up in the morning and exercising before work.

I need to create a mantra or some affirmations to help me shift my thinking from "there's no way I can do this" to "of course I can do this."

I'm rethinking my choice of Jenny Craig. I'd like to create a program of my own that will help me achieve my goal. And one that I can follow for life.

Skipped Weigh In

My week of debauchery resulted in me deciding to skip the weigh in today. I spent some time talking to my counselor at JC and must admit that I didn't find it helpful. I've come to the conclusion that there is no help in this game. It's up to you and you alone. My experience of talking with her and other people is wholly dissatisfying. I suppose that I've intellectualized the process of weight loss when it simply isn't. It's just about finding ways to cut calories. I suppose I should stop talking with people other than me about what I think about my weight loss journey. I actually found my talk with her angering.

I don't know why I have such a hard time making good choices and committing to the lifestyle changes necessary to achieve my weight loss goals. I know that I'm sick of myself. I wear dirty clothes, I have no motivation to bathe or do my hair. My toe nails are too long and have the remains of polish from six months ago. My finger nails are jagged and just a real mess. I look and feel a mess.

So, what do I want? I want to see myself as beautiful no matter what my weight. I want to believe that I'm capable of weight loss. I want to focus on health and make choices that result in better health. I want to embrace realistic expectations about my weight and body. I want to get on with my life and not feel held back by my weight. I want to believe that I matter, that my voice is important and that my ideas are as meritorious as the next person's in spite of my weight.

That is what I want for my life.

I also want to lose weight.

Day 12

I was quite sick following my food orgy of yesterday. Plagued by a mild stomach ache all day. I ate half of an apple and a diet coke until the evening at which time I ate a 12" turkey sub and some Sun chips. It's one of my favorite meals.

I gained weight this week. I got on the scale yesterday and it was up. I feel hopeless about this. I have no confidence that I can do anything but gain.

Feel a bit sad about it. Hard to keep motivated past the first week.

Day 11

I ate like a dog released in an alley behind a restaurant and drank like a marine on leave. Why is this so hard? I had a really good day leading up to dinner and had vowed that I wouldn't overeat at dinner. I even thought about what I wanted to order. I did order what I wanted, which was a salad with beets, walnuts and salmon. I then ate fries, fried polenta and drank two martinis. I came home and ate five servings of chocolate-covered peanuts.

I have to admit that I'm simply struggling with staying motivated and on track. What's the secret? Is it simply lack of will power? I try to look at the full picture and not just the episode I'm in, but I am so easily tempted and lose control. I want to scream and cry and throw up. I feel terrible.

What's the right thing to think? Do I focus on how much I hate my body? How unattractive and weighted down I feel? How much my back hurts and how I now feel winded when I walk a flight of steps? Do I focus on how much I can barely stand myself?

Or, do I focus on how much I love myself and how worthy I am of a fit, attractive body and a healthy eating plan? Is it true that what you focus on expands? Is my focus on my weight causing it to expand? Do I need to shift my focus?

The problem with being on a program is that when I falter I don't want to show up until I get it together. I need the program to get it together, though. I feel scared, frustrated and out of control. I just don't know what to do or how to get help to do differently.

I feel so frustrated I can't write anymore. It's right at the surface. Whatever it is that's keeping me from fully embracing this goal.

Day 10

Yesterday was a hard food day. I made a number of wrong choices. Actually, it hasn't been a great week. I've indulged in pizza, candy, cookies, cheese cake--all sorts of things that don't support my desire to change my weight. Today, I felt motivated and followed my program until this evening. I had to stay late at work, got hungry and wanted to visit with my mother after work. I ate three bread sticks from Jet's Pizza. I was sorry I did it, but must admit that they tasted so damn good.

The hardest part of staying on program or committing to making good choices is that I want to live the way I want to live. I want to eat what I want when I want in the quantities that I want. At the same time, I don't find it acceptable to be as overweight as I am and I know that I've set myself up for all sorts of diseases and issues. My biggest fear is losing mobility. My back is bothering me and I know that if I could get some weight off I'd be better off.

I'm working on staying focused on the journey. What happens today isn't as important as what happens over the long haul. I need to assess my success on the whole as opposed to the part. That's hard for me. I feel very vulnerable. Food is a companion for me. I want it all the time. It sounds pathetic and tragic and weak in so many ways. I weigh damn near 300 pounds! What's the mystery? I need to make different choices.

Why is that so hard?

Day 9

Today was a bad food day. Actually, I've been challenged since Saturday to get back on track. All I want to do is eat. I feel so fat. I feel inhuman. Like I don't fit in furniture. I want to make better choices for myself, but I just can't seem to commit. It's Tuesday and I don't weigh in until Sunday, so I have a minute to get it together.

I resent having to diet or to control my choices. I find comfort and friendship in food. I know that sounds a bit strange, but I want friendship and comfort right now and always.

I have to make a decision about exercise soon. I want to come home, but I have to decide how to pay for it. I would like a treadmill and some weights.

Lots of thoughts today. Not sure how to express them.

Day 7

Snow storm today. Felt a bit helpless. Back is still out of whack so didn't want to shovel. Thank God for neighbors and family! They dug me out. Back on program though drinking quite a bit. Want some left over pizza, but believe can resist. Food is great! Still can't believe this heavy.

Planning decadent Christmas dinner. Should revise, but don't want to. May change mind before shopping. Suppose don't need to feed overweight people fattening food. Want to prepare and eat something decadent, though. Look forward to cooking on holiday.

Have stuff to do. Letters to write for work, room to clean, groceries to buy, weight to lose. It does become part of a list. Always thinking and planning and controlling and prioritizing.

276

Yes, neighbors and friends, I've lost four pounds. Tomorrow is weigh day, but I had to go today because I am supposed to attend an open house. I felt good about the week overall. I made some different choices and learned some things about my eating habits and preference. Blogging and writing down what I eat is making a difference. I feel like viewing it as a lifestyle change and not a diet is working for me. I'm okay with the choices I've made and with the impact those choices have on my weight loss.

Weigh day is cheat day. I know, I know, not the best practice, but my practice nonetheless. I had two drinks and pizza. I'm a bit buzzed and it feels good. I also cleaned my house. Well, part of it anyway. My house was making me a bit sick so it was time. I'll tackle my bedroom tomorrow.

Well, I don't have any deep thoughts or revelations today. Feeling good about life and progress. Looking forward to getting in better shape and losing some poundage. I want to feel sexier and better about myself. I also want a new lover. Perhaps the next one will be my husband.

Til

Day 5

While driving I noticed a lovely ginger bread house perfectly positioned in someone's front yard. I wanted to eat it. I just wanted to get naked and tear into it with my bear hands. The only thing that destroyed the fantasy for me was my ability--after a few attempts--to convince myself that it wasn't real. It was simply a holiday prop. Unfortunately, later in the morning I came in contact with a very real doughnut of which I ate a third. Complete impulse eat. Before I knew it, it was in my mouth.

My reaction to food is excited, passionate, visceral and genuine. I love walking through Costco and just looking at all that really big food. I so want to bury my face in one of those huge, wonderful chocolate cakes and eat my way to the bottom. No utensils. No plates. No napkins. Just face and tongue. It's almost sexual to me. I'm not a big chocolate fan, but the act of doing something so decadent is intoxicating.

Speaking of intoxicating, I'm finding that I have no interest in giving up alcohol in spite of the amount of calories it contains. I greatly look forward to a drink of whisky or vodka when I get home in the evening and I just don't want to stop. My sister and friend are surprised and a bit disappointed by how much I drink. I don't think one a night is a lot, but they do. Lightweights!

This whole concept of voice is something that I want to understand better. I have come to firmly believe that because of my size I'm not desirable or attractive or worthy of a companion. I've also come to believe that I'm stupid and have been playing small in my life as a result. I have an interest in learning some things, but I feel like it doesn't matter because I'm going to live a small life and people with small lives don't require knowledge or expertise. Acquiring them would mean that I'd have to enlarge my life and I don't feel ready to be visible and beautiful and smart and desirable. What's interesting is that I seem to have become less ready to be these things as I've gotten older. I feel very much in retreat mode, which is why working on grants and direct mail at work is so attractive to me. I don't have to interact with a lot of people and I like that.

I don't expect to lose a bunch of weight and become some very extroverted person. I hope that with weight loss and a more positive self and body image that I'll embrace more of my life and be alright with the good that can come from playing big. I don't want to just exist. I want to live.

Day 4

I feel really happy about the new direction my job has taken. I am looking forward to learning new stuff and raising some money. I think about going into another field, but then I think why? I'm not aware of any strong interests that I have so I suppose I should focus on other areas of my life.

My desire for a fit, healthy body is definitely related to wanting to look attractive and feel better, but also related to wanting to release something that I've perceived as being a burden. I feel that if I can master my weight and begin to consistently make healthy choices for myself, I can master other areas of my life and feel more confident, less vulnerable.

I don't know exactly why I have so many hangups about my weight. I feel often like the biggest person in the room and that people think I'm stupid for being so big. I feel like my thoughts and ideas don't count because I can't control what goes into my mouth or my size. Feelings that I've harbored for a long time. What's so curious to me is that I haven't been able to release them no matter how often they're debunked.

I wonder if my friends and family who might check in on the blog are shocked and amazed that I weigh as much as a pro football player. Hmmm...

Day 3

I walked from work to my mother's apartment today. It was hard. My back hasn't recovered yet and I suspect that the 15 pounds that I've gained are adding additional pressure. Very recently I was able to run Belle Isle, which is over five miles. Now I can't walk two without extreme burning in my hips and lower back. I don't know how much of this is due to the bulged disk and how much to weight.

I've also noticed that I seem to be less able to hold off on my need to pee. When I was walking today with my injured back, run down shoes and full bladder in the dark and cold, I thought that perhaps it was a bad idea to walk. I also thought that I'm tired. I want very much for someone to help me. To take care of me. Not financially, though that would be nice, but just to have someone care about my well being and spoil me a bit. I'm enjoying spoiling my mother in part because I want someone to spoil me. I love seeing her reaction to her apartment and her new life. I want to be around her so that I can soak up some of that.

So, I'm supposed to be talking about my weight loss journey. I think that all my thoughts and experiences are relevant to my weight issues. Today I enjoyed a sushi lunch with a former colleague. My time with her reminded me of how very happy I am that I no longer work for the YMCA. It was such a horrible culture and I feel damaged by my experience. I wish Gina the best and am happy that she's getting out.

Initially, I was opposed to hiring a communications director. But, thanks to a very productive and honest conversation, I am no longer the special events fundraiser and for that I am very pleased. Come on Communications Director! Bring it all you got!

Let's see, besides sushi nothing interest or dramatic on the food front. I feel some cracks in the foundation. I want to eat. A lot. Now. I so enjoy food and I regret that I can't eat with abandon. I regret that I'm 40 and weigh 280 pounds and have been forced into a position of having to deal with it.

I don't want to sound as though I feel sorry for myself because I don't. I don't take time to care for myself which is why I'm so heavy -- at least one of the reasons why. I feel blessed to be able to have the option of Jenny Craig and to have friends that support my efforts to drop pounds. I feel like now is a good time in my life to take care of myself and to think about what I value and what makes me happy and feel good. I'm excited about the people and energy that will be drawn to me as a result of this journey.

It's all good.

Day 2

I'm new to blogging and to using all this technology to express my thoughts and feelings. I've become immeasurably frustrated and saddened by my weight and I feel that I need a forum to share and perhaps connect with others about my challenges. I'm 39. I have 40 in a headlock and I weigh the most I've ever weighed in life. As I've gotten older, it's not only become harder to lose weight, but to find the motivation to do so. I feel hopeless. Fat. Unlovable. Tired. My weight brings up all sorts of emotional issues for me and I don't know how to contain them. I feel that I've been in a battle with my body that has lasted decades.

I want to break the cycle and am attempting to approach my latest weight loss effort as a journey to health and self acceptance rather than one of beating my body into submission and sacrifice. My thoughts about turning 40 are upbeat, by and large. I see it as a new beginning and a chance to make a whole host of exciting choices. I really want a fit and healthy body.

So, what have I done to achieve this? Well, I find that I most successful on a food program so I've joined Jenny Craig and am on day 2 of a 1500 calorie food program. Yesterday, I exceeded my calories by 235. Today, I exceeded by closer to 600 and am considering vomiting to feel less full. Something, I know not what, triggered me to eat beyond my allotment and fullness. I feel sad about that.

I'm on an exercise hiatus and am concerned that I won't be able to motivate myself to start up again. I just recovered from a bulged disk that caused pain in my left hip. I probably can't go full force, but I can do something. I plan to walk tomorrow morning.

What to do?