Been a long time...

Hello all of you people who aren't reading my blog. I'm back. With a vengeance? Likely not, but feeling motivated nonetheless. So, my weight loss has stalled at about 30 pounds. I'm able to eat quite a lot and at times I do. I go for a fill on Wednesday, which I hope will jump start the loss process once again. Honestly, I'm losing hope in my ability to be successful.

I'm awake after taking 30 mg of Restoril (is that what it's called?) and feeling a bit blue about it. I would very much like to sleep. Perhaps I should go back to the Ambien and just deal with the side effects.

I watched a documentary on Minnie Riperton last night that was very well done. She seemed like someone I would have liked to know. She seemed to be genuinely loving and happy. I'm not very familiar with her music beyond the most popular songs. I think even 30 years after her death, her husband is still madly in love with her.

So, I need some sugar in my bowl. I want to want to build up the courage to find a companion and luvah! Alas, I feel that I'm too fat for love and that no one could find me attractive and until or unless I get some major lbs off, I will be alone.

I started face booking tonight and re-connected with a friend of mine from high school. She's married and has two beautiful children. How her life has changed since we saw each other 7 years ago! I also saw a profile for this bitch I went to high school with and I'm so tempted to send her a message telling her what a bitch she was, but I suppose that's not the proper use of the tool so I'll leave the bitch alone.

Hmmm--what else is on the mind of my mind? I suppose that's it. Restless and actually wishing that I had some pharmaceutical to take the edge off. A Valium would be delightful right about now. 

I'm going to lie my head down and see what happens.  

A New Focus

I feel terrible. I ate jellybeans and all the sugar has given me a headache. I got angry. Actually, I stay angry. I feel pissed off about everything and I notice that my temper is getting shorter and shorter. I can feel balanced and calm one second and then ready to blow the next. 

I'm finding living in Detroit to be hard. The blight, poverty, instable industry, weather and foolishness are all taking a toll. If GM and Chrysler fail I fear the national press will be overwhelming to those of us here. Between being angry and engaging in activities I have no business, I can't seem to get motivated to do anything. I was doing well with keeping up with my deadlines at work, but I let one slip today.

I want to want. I want to get it together and engage and connect and feel excited about something. While living here is definitely a challenge right now, I see opportunities, too. I don't, however, feel capable of channeling my anger in a productive way.

All I see is fear and greed and delusion. It's amazing the amount of each I've seen in people - friends and others. Is this how we make it through our lives? By lying to ourselves about accomplishments, contributions, intellect, deservedness, misdeeds, food intake? It's just sickening!

What do I lie to myself about? I suppose that I don't lie to myself.

Is this as good as it gets?

I have been in therapy most of my adult life and on meds for depression for the past three years. I have set goals, achieved them and still I exist in a state that is just bearable. I, in all honesty, feel bad. I feel self-conscious, trapped, overwhelmed and sad. I have fleeting moments of excitement, happiness, and productivity, but by and large I find my life and myself, well, unbearable.


Is this as good as it gets? I have been working on this for many years to no avail, and I feel that I have neither the energy to keep working on it nor to go on living in this constant state of discontent. I don't want to admit that, but it feels true for me. If I could just identify what hurts so badly I could burn it out of my brain.


Is it possible to achieve happiness? Is it true that we all deserve happiness? Can I just get a little contentment? Actually, I'd prefer peace.

Battles

VW and I were talking a few weeks ago about how your life's circumstances dictate which battles you tackle and when. I have been involved in a stressful working relationship with a friend of mine that I chose not to deal with because of pain and surgery and depression and the fact that I didn't want to. I finally addressed it and now I feel terrible.

In addition to knowing that the contract I'd signed wasn't being fulfilled, I feel bad about basically calling into question my friend's professionalism and credibility. It was a very difficult and uncomfortable thing to do not only because this is someone I've known and cared about for many years, but also because I had no choice. I know, I know--in theory there's always a choice. What I mean to say is that when I consider my own healing I had no choice but to stand up for myself and declare my right to receive the services for which I had contracted and paid. I had to end the working relationship because I wasn't getting anything out of it but stress. I also felt compelled to tell the truth about why I was ending the relationship. The feeling of being up against a wall is nearly unbearable.

How did my behavior contribute to what could very well be the end of a friendship? I could have spoken up earlier when I had concerns about how things were (or were not) progressing. I could have severed the contract in person as opposed to via email, though I'm not sure this would have yielded a better outcome. I'm certain that I played some role, but I'm also certain that what was outlined in the contract wasn't delivered upon and that there's no evidence that she was ever even involved in the project!

I admit to feeling really hurt - as though I was taken advantage of. I also feel angry because I'm certain that she thinks it's about money when it's not. It's about doing the right thing by people whether or not you claim to love them.

Post-op

I had surgery on February 16 and all went well. I'm near the end of the clear liquid phase, but admit that I broke. It's 8:30 on day 6 and I feel weak and tired and distracted. I just had 4 oz. of a protein drink that I'm technically not allowed to have until tomorrow morning. I did my best. I didn't do badly.

Right now, I'm optimistic about my potential for success. I'm very impressed that with the exception of a couple tablespoons of cottage cheese and a piece of brownie (a test; wanted to see if I would get sick or if it would taste different) I was able to stick to clear liquids for this many days. I could be below 300 pounds by the end of the week, which is exciting. While I cannot begin to express the pain in my back, I feel good and have no regrets about following this path.

As for other paths or "the" path, that's another story. I'm reading a book about Lincoln and his melancholy. I didn't know that he was a depressive who contemplated suicide most of his young life. What kept him on the planet was an overwhelming desire to make an impression on his generation. 

Talk about a BHAG! Damn!

On an almost daily basis, I ask and have asked myself for many years what keeps me on the planet. I love and feel responsible to my family and friends, but is that enough? Can you stay on the planet for other people? What about me? What about what I want? Does that matter? Is it selfish and inappropriate to even ask?

How do I find what I'm supposed to do or who I'm supposed to be? Is this it? If so, how do I accept that and get over the need to quest for something more and different? This feeling of discontentment is hard to bear.  

One more for the road

I want to burn Detroit down. 

I think it's ultimately the only way to spare it from further degradation. I could go into hiding for six to eight months. During this time I would assemble a corps of sympathizers and canvass the city with pamphlets that include the day and time of the burning with an explanation as to why. This would give those who can time to get out of town. My crew and I would set fires that would burn easily because of all the vacant and abandon land that define the city. The fires would start in all corners of the city as well as the center. The fires would start simultaneously so the fire department wouldn't have time to respond. It would burn and return to itself naturally and uninhabited. 

No more blight. Just green.

I guess now that I write down it's obvious that I need to find other ways to deal with my anger issues. 

So now that I've written this, if Detroit burns down am I a suspect?

Another thing to make you go hmmmmmmm.

Things that make you hmmmmmm

So here I sit five days before surgery and I'm worried. Not about the surgery, but about what comes next. I, of course, have the fear of failure. A number of people have WLS and don't lose weight or gain it back or lose a little, but never even approach their ideal weight and I'm afraid that I'll be one of them. I'm afraid that I won't be able to turn off or get control over my eating and obsession with weight even after being banded. I'm afraid that weight loss won't restore enough of the function of my back to begin exercising again. I don't want to sit around every day all day thinking about what to eat or not and am I losing weight or not. I just want my life to be about more than my weight and I'm afraid that it won't be.

How much capacity do most of us have for true change? All my life I've wanted to develop the discipline to find something I love and cultivate genuine expertise in that area, but I haven't and am losing hope that I will. I wanted a career; instead I ended up with a string of jobs. I want to feel hopeful, but must admit that it's such an unnatural state for me it's easy to lapse back into fear-based thinking.

I feel this need to jump from project to project in order to keep from feeling this intense longing for something else. I really don't know if that something else is to declare bankruptcy, change my name and join a religious community in Tahiti or to become some high-powered executive who crushes people for fun. I feel crushed and that people's primary intention is to treat other people badly. I can't decide if I want to run from it or become part of it for the right price.

Why is basketball drama? I need to stop watching TV.

Anyway, I finished researching lap band surgery, I finished picking out all the goodies for my new bathroom and now I need another project. Maybe I'll start building a new wardrobe for myself--a whole new look. Maybe find a whole new identity, a career, expertise and hope.

Everybody Wants Something They Can Win At

Today, we inaugurated Barack Obama as the 44th president of the United States. Watching him and his wife and children and seeing the sea of people who had come from far and wide to witness the event made me proud to be an American. It also made me want to do just a bit better. 

More than any other time over the last several months it became so clearly apparent to me that it doesn't serve anyone for me to be depressed, broke, obese, in pain, trapped in negativity, and existing below my potential. How do I know I'm existing below my potential? Well, because I sense that I could be doing and being more, which is an indication to me that I'm not doing and being all that I could do and be.

I keep asking myself what is it that Bridgett brings to the table of life? I'm a daughter, sister, friend, cat mother, but is that it? Is it enough? How does the world benefit from my having been here?

I've been reflecting on my work history and thinking about next steps for me; what do I want to learn, what do I want to do and how do I want to share the skills that I have - stuff like that. I've learned something from each of my positions, but I don't feel that I was particularly successful at any one of them. I've never found that thing that I excel at and feel very confident about. I suppose I never created a career for myself. I've held a series of jobs in the non-profit sector that don't necessarily create a path. I want a path, to be expert at something and be recognized by myself and others as successful. I want something I can win at.

To date, I feel that I've done just enough to be seen as competent and presentable. I've never developed the self discipline to study and insert myself into situations that challenge and expand my knowledge. I play small and have been somewhat comfortable doing so. I say somewhat because all the while I've known that I could do and be bigger. 

Seeing Obama surrounded by that vast number of people gave me hope that it's not too late for me to heal and have the life that I visualize. It's not too late for me to do and be more. 

Where to begin?

I've been thinking about getting back here for the last two weeks, but for the life of me I can't explain why I've been away or how I came to start thinking of this as a place. I've been processing and feeling and thinking since the last time I was here and I want to share it, but I'm struggling a bit to get started. 

I suspect I've been away because I've been good. Isn't that strange? Why is it that the facts that I've been approved for surgery, received a nice bonus from work, bought myself a Macbook Pro, found a new psychiatrist and gotten my meds adjusted and am feeling more balanced reasons to shy away from my blog? So I started wondering, am I a drama queen overly invested in examining my own pain? Am I a survivor so committed to my own healing that when I end up in a painful place I'll squirm and scream until I free myself of the pain and can reclaim my quiet place?

Is it a bit of both? Does it matter? Perhaps not. What I do know is that being in a content state is not comfortable for me. Depression and food dependence have been my companions for a long time and I'm realizing that I don't want or desire them anymore. I've begun the quest for suitable replacements; thoughts, activities and experiences that can become as comforting and familiar to me as eating and sadness once were. If I'm unsuccessful in my quest, four decades more are neither interesting nor useful. 

The next step: create a multi-dimensional life that considers my spiritual, creative, physical, intellectual and emotional selves. 

Okay--bring it on!