Fucking Turd!

I acknowledge that I'm out of control and that I don't know how to regain it. Once again I got up with the best intentions and once again I blew it. This time with Halloween candy. I feel so disgusted and discouraged and gaseous. All I want is to lose one fucking pound and it's as though I have no capacity to do it! I feel very sad. I feel that I can never be happy if I can't control what goes into my mouth.

So here I sit in my office using my ass like a horn and wondering what does this say about me? Do I really want to lose weight or is it more important to me to satisfy my fleeting cravings? Can I be happy as a person who weighs 350, 400 or even 520 pounds? I feel like this is where I'm heading if I can't get myself focused.

It's hard for my friends and family to understand how stressed I am about my weight. I apparently am more influenced by media and culture than I thought. I very much identify as an obese person and all the stereotypes that accompany that. I feel stupid and invisible and ignored and undesirable every day of every month of every year. I think I suck. Hard. If I'm honest, the only reason I feel this way about myself is because I'm fat. Again, my friends and family think this is extreme, but it's honest. I feel that I and everything around me is shit.

If anyone read this, they would think that I'm some self-pitying fat girl who just needs to commit to spending every evening at Weight Watchers and the gym. I wouldn't blame them. It's very cathartic for me, however, to finally put to paper and say aloud in some forum that this is the way I feel and this is what consumes my thoughts on a daily basis and there is nothing I want more in life than to change my thoughts and there's nothing I know less about than how to do that. This to me is pretty pathetic.

Whew! I feel better.