Thoughts on the Eve of a Monday

My ability to manage my depression is slipping. I don't go back to those deep, dark places, but I do feel very unhappy about some decisions I've made and I can't seem to forgive myself for them. I feel that I've irreparably damaged my life and that I'll never be satisfied with the life I have. I also seem to be shaky on how to make some positive changes to begin to feel better about my life.

I feel that the financial hole I've dug for myself has so deeply and adversely impacted my life that I'll always be in a precarious and insecure position. I'm genuinely afraid and worried about money. I create budgets. I track my expenses. I save. I shop around for car and home insurance. I look for the best credit card offers. I place limits on my spending on meals out, travel, and personal items. I've made job moves that have increased my salary. I bought a home. I drive a car that's paid for. I have managed to rack up quite a bit of credit card debt, however, that I'm not sure I can get myself out of. I often find myself on payday with no cash to last me from day to day.

I want a better quality of life and unless I get a handle on this, I'll never achieve it. I feel like my stupidity around money is reason for me to be punished. I am literally broke. Thank God my job isn't in jeopardy because without it I have no safety net. This makes me feel bad and contributes to my depression.

I saw my gym crush yesterday. It confirmed for me that I do want a relationship and sex in my life. I want it with someone who I care about and cares about me. I have denied myself this because of my weight and my belief that I'm a bad person. It's hard for me to accept that anyone who could find me attractive has anything to offer. It's contradictory; on the one hand I don't believe I'm worthy of anybody. On the other, I believe that I'm too good for those who find me desirable.

Poor money decisions and an inability to manage my weight have been my justification for living a small life. This depresses me. I'm very aware of it and I think that I suck because of it. I've just wasted all this time and have accomplished a mere fraction of what I could because I'm constantly engaged in social comparison and believing that others are more significant and competent than I am. I can't seem to become satisfied with the life I have and am ambiguous about the life I want. I think I want to be someone else. That makes it impossible to ever be satisfied.

I feel overwhelmed by my depression. My back is feeling a bit better so I worked in the basement yesterday and today took a short walk. Both were hard because my back is not healed, by any means, and I was distracted by pain during each activity. I feel like I don't deserve good health because I've lived my life in such an irresponsible way and wouldn't know what to do with anything of value.

I don't know what to do. When we were shopping for headstones yesterdays, I became acutely aware that I want to live a long life. I want the opportunity to get it right and demonstrate to myself that I can overcame my depression and live a meaningful and happy life. I also want to find and fully explore that thing or those things that make my soul come alive. I want to get moving on this. To remain stuck is to be unappreciative of the gifts that I have.

I told my mother yesterday that I find very little joy in life. I suppose that wasn't the right thing to say to your mother, but we were talking about some things and I was honest. Everything seems very dark to me. I do feel as though life is over. I don't want it to be over, but when I look that's all I see.

I don't know how to lift myself out of this or even if I can.