Emotions Running Wild

I had another stressful encounter with the dietitian at Weigh to Go. She asked me repeatedly why I was there as if I wasn't supposed to be and wasn't welcome. I told her I felt as though I was being attacked. Her response was apologetic, but not shocked. I can't help but think that she was attacking me, so wasn't surprised when I called her on it. She said that it was my time and she was just trying to understand how she could be helpful. I wish I had jumped her, screamed and beaten her death. I feel bad enough about having to get up, travel and talk with people about why I'm failing at a weight loss program. I don't want to deal with someone who's unhappy and snide.

In the interest of full disclosure, I should say that I've been enrolled in the program for the last six months and have managed to gain 2 pounds. I haven't found the program to be very supportive. In actuality, you only have to show up three times every 6 months (which is just plain dumb), the tracking method is convoluted and difficult, and the staff is unfriendly and disinterested. I feel hurt and sorry that I signed up for the program. I'm also feeling embarrassed and ashamed that I wasn't able to lose even one pound.

So, my whole day has been tainted by my interaction with her. I have completely lost sight of the fact that I showed up there once a month because I needed to for insurance to approve my weight loss surgery. I want surgery and this is something that I had to endure in order to prepare my application.

I've also hit a financial bump that is causing me great stress. I feel like I'm addicted to being broke and fat. It makes me feel like such a loser. I feel like four decades more of this is simply not acceptable. I want a seachange--a dramatic shift in my energy and my perception about myself and my expectations of what my life can be like.

How does one kick the habit of a behavior or state of being? Is it the same as kicking the habit of a substance? How do you begin to feel that you're worthy of better circumstances and that it's okay to be who you are?