Woman Under Construction

As part of the process of preparing for surgery, I've been reflecting on my habits and what makes me eat when I eat, eat what I eat and the emotions or circumstances related to my choices. It's all at once eye opening and empowering and depressing and a bit crazy.

I have a lot of issues around worth and value. I actually question whether or not I deserve a good life and to have what I want and need in order to be fulfilled. At some point, I gave up my right to grant myself permission to do what I want to do and to feel what I feel. I recognize this, but I notice that I still do it. Even with the surgery, it wasn't until Dr. W. said if you want surgery you should consider x, y and z -- it depends upon what YOU want to do. I didn't truly feel that it was an option until he said that.

This morning I realized that I don't have enough money to pay my expenses for the next few weeks. I would have enough if I hadn't agreed to pay RH according to such an aggressive schedule. I just needed to demonstrate to him that I could afford the project. What I didn't take into consideration is that he presented me with an invoice that, though fair, wasn't what we discussed at all and expected immediate payment! I should have been reflective and given him a set of terms that work for me. Why didn't I? I am so stressed about money.

I feel like I need to apologize to everyone for being me. I feel like I need to find ways to not take up too much "space" in the world. I have to be careful not to offend, demand, need, ask, want because someone will remind me that I'm not worthy and that I've taken too much. I feel very deeply that this is a core issue, but I don't know how to resolve it. I have a stream of images running through my mind as I write this of episodes where I accepted crumbs or set myself up to be served crumbs.

Yesterday felt good. I did my water aerobics class. The water felt warm and safe and I was pleased with myself for getting there. Afterward, I took a long shower and washed my hair. I pulled on my house dress and went to get my brows arched. I spent part of the evening grooming my locs and they look good. My bad feelings about myself manifest in the form of poor hygiene. I will go for days without bathing, won't pay attention to my clothes and appear as though I am quite literally dragging my ass.

I took some time yesterday to do these few things and I think that I look a little less busted. You know, I'm not fully convinced that I do these things for myself, but rather to appear more acceptable to others. I suppose the reason I offered to pay RH according to a schedule that ultimately doesn't work for me is because I feel like I have to sacrifice myself for the comfort of others so that I won't be chastised for taking too much. It's how I seek acceptance.

As I contemplate my next four decades, I very much want to heal myself of this behavior. I'm as worthy and deserving as the next person and I need to start acting like it. I'm tired and I want a better life. Part of getting it is having the courage to stand up and claim it for myself.