Monday Musings

It was a good day. MLB, PB and I met to talk about next steps for the project. PB was on the same page as MLB and I and it was nice to feel supported and hear some of our ideas and concerns echoed. MLB and I feel like we have clear marching orders and are working well together. I feel good about work and am wanting that feeling to translate into other areas of my life.

I looked back over my materials and realized that I've actually gained 8 pounds since joining WTG. That's kinda bad. I feel so stressed about losing weight. I go to JC on Wednesday and I don't that I had a good week. I let my depression get the better of me and showed out with food on a number of nights. I didn't do as badly as I could and have, but I still haven't yet figured out what to channel that energy into. I have to find something that provides me the same comfort and escape that food does.

My depression wasn't as intense today. I think it's because I feel that I did good work today. I have to occupy my mind with something that is productive and outside of myself. I always find this to be the case, but I also think that by not thinking about what's causing the depression and trying to dismantle the feelings I'm not dealing with it. I suppose I should just focus on what I know works. I suppose I should practice occupying my mind with other productive thoughts that make me feel smart and useful and engaged.

I want to eat, but I don't know why. I don't feel especially sad or dissatisfied, but I want pizza or french fries or White Castle.

I still feel bad about the interaction with the nutritionist last week. I feel embarrassed and tired and judged and like a failure. I have to work on my attitude prior to our next meeting and go in focused and unapologetic. It is what it is and I didn't try as hard as I could or should have. There really was no reason for me to gain 8 pounds. I feel very stressed about my weight and having to lose.

I want something to look forward to. I want to start my bathroom project. I want something beautiful and new going on in my life. That, or go on a trip. I would like to see the ocean and have a spa day.

I'm all over the place. I'll sign off.