Why I don't Suck: an exercise in perceiving a new reality

So, my friend RT and I were reviewing my day yesterday and discussing my addictions to obesity and financial lack and she suggested that we both partake in a little exercise. It's a two-parter. Part one, identify where the messages of unworthiness came from. Part two, identify three to five characteristics that refute the message.

Here goes...

Part I

My messages of unworthiness came from peers, family members, health professionals, store clerks, strangers, crushes, teachers, veterinarians, homeless people, the media and anyone else who did or did not see me and my fat ass in a public or private setting. The message that I was unattractive, unintelligent, unworthy, and unlikely to have anything good has been reinforced throughout my life and I continue to believe it.

Part II

• I have good writing skills.
• I've helped the organization I work for raise $600,000 in new money.
• A lot of smart, good people love me.
• I helped relocate my mother into a space that is safe, attractive and perfect for where she is in her life now.

Well that's four, which is the only whole number between three and five, so I think that I satisfied the task.

That was hard and even looking at it I'm afraid to post it. What if someone disagrees and sends me a message that I suck? Notice that some of those are qualified. I can't claim that I AM a good writer or that I played a leadership role in getting the money or relocating my mother. I have to minimize it and question it even though I know it's all true.

I feel all at once damaged and dishonest. I feel that I'm sub-human because I can't manage my weight and I feel uncertain that I feel that way because it seems so outrageous. There are people in the world dealing with so much more than a few extra pounds. I am immeasurably blessed.

So, why is this such a big deal for me? Why can't I let this go and move on with living a full life? Why does it feel like an albatross? Why am I so obsessed? Why am I thinking about a hamburger and potato chips?

I want to correct this. I want to stop denying myself things and experiences and growth and LIFE because I bought into the myth that I am in some way and for some reason a bad person. I've made mistakes. I've been at the front end of some unfortunate circumstances. I've never intended malice or hurt. The pain I've caused wasn't fueled by ego, but by ignorance. I'm much more careful now.

Doesn't that count for something? Can you, BL, forgive me just a little bit?