Thanksgiving and Christmas passed without fanfare. It's just three of us now and this year we seem to be okay with that. No need to pad the seats at the table with cousins and friends to distract us from the missing Patriarch. This year, we were calm, pleased by each other's company and even experienced upbeat moments. Now to just get through and into the New Year without incident.
I don't have anything in particular to discuss this Sunday eve. Apparently this is the day that I like to check in with myself because I'm never overjoyed about beginning my week. Sunday's feel overburdened and heavy to me. I never know whether I should rest all day in preparation for five days with no break or pack them full of things that I didn't do on Saturday. I find that they no longer scare me, but they still don't feel good. They feel fast and unsettling, but not frightening.
I just watched interviews with Hill Harper and Brian McKnight. My suspicious and toxic mind won't let me believe that either celeb revealed his true self. I think that it's just another thing produced to keep up the facade they want to create for their public, adoring or otherwise. I suppose the only reason I felt a need to comment is because I was very aware of feeling smug and even a bit bitter while watching each interview. I'm having an adolescent response to celebrity that I can neither explain nor control. The thought of them fills me with disgust and overwhelm. Why can't we and they be happy with what they offer? Why do we feel the need to know about them and their lives and why do they feel the need to share? It's bizarre and invasive on both sides.
This week, this week, this week. I see Dr. G. tomorrow about my meds, talk with GB about my performance over the last year, and participate in the team lunch. One thing a day for everyday I have to show up. It feels overwhelming (the word of the hour), but I'm going to just take it one day and one thing at a time and get through with each to the best of my ability. I never feel like being on. When does this shift? Does it shift? Is this me forever more?
I guess I'm a bit more tripped out than I realized. I thought I was feeling calm this Sun Day and that I would just ramble a bit about my back and the pain of the weekend and feeling confused and, yes, overwhelmed by little things, but apparently there's more bubbling up than I guessed. I actually feel like I could do this for a while longer, but I sense that would be indulgent. I'm also aware that the reason I don't want to stop is because I feel scared. I want life more than anything, but I feel trapped in a very dark place. I don't know how to get out.
No matter. Perhaps this will be the week of my decision and that will bring me some measure of joy. I suppose the key to freedom is focusing on that which brings joy.
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