Sleepless, again

It's 3:30 on Friday morning and I am wide awake. I need for this to end. I feel irritable and stressed.

I watched a biography on Phyllis Hyman this evening and it made me realize how much I miss her. I listen to her music regularly, but it made me remember how I used to seek out information on her and look forward to her concerts. I admired her. She was beautiful and talented and funny and tall and elegant. I cried for two weeks when she died and was surprised by how much her death hurt. It's still impossible for me to believe that she couldn't see herself as all the wonderful things she appeared to be and was to others.

I suppose people say the same about me. I have been told that I seem to have it all together, but the cracks in the facade always make themselves evident. You just never know what's going on in a person's mind and heart.

Besides reminiscing about Phyllis, I'm noticing a strong desire to say something really nasty. Not malicious, but disgusting. I have always had an affinity for the scatological and lascivious. I'm sure it explains my attraction to adult cartoons. My impulse control around this issue is weakening. It really was all I could do to stop myself from using the word "dick" in a response to a post on my lap band board. I've also starting swearing more. What is it? A need to express anger and aggression? A need for a creative outlet that lets me explore my vulgar self? I'd like to figure this out before I have an episode that leaves me embarrassed and others frightened.

I feel like if I could do or say something nasty I would feel relaxed, as though a weight would lift and I'd feel free in some way. I have thoughts that should only exist in the mind of an adolescent boy and they crack me up. When John was alive I had someone to be nasty with. After he died, I said something that he would have just loved to AL and SJ and the room got quiet. I looked over at them and they were looking at me in stark horror and I was told that they were not John and I simply couldn't talk with them about the things he and I used to discuss.

I suppose nastiness is a type of addiction or fascination for me and I have no outlet! It's like going cold turkey without a support system. Is there a recovery meeting for those going through nasty withdrawal? Perhaps nasty is my passion and I should find a way to exploit it.

Speaking of nasty, I haven't showered since Monday. I feel a little queasy. I've got to stop with the Diet Mt. Dew. I have to use the bathroom again, but I don't feel like it.

I would like to sleep.