I've been eating with abandon and I can't seem to get it together. I feel irritable and bloated and still I won't stop. What is it about this food thing? Why does it have such a hold over me that I will forsake all else to consume and consume and consume?
I don't want to fail anymore. I don't want to overeat anymore. I don't want to eat badly anymore. I don't want to have to guess at what in my closet fits anymore. I don't want to feel heartburn anymore. I don't want to feel the bloat in my fingers and breasts anymore. I don't want to be confused about what to eat anymore. I don't want to feel helpless and hopeless anymore.
I want a different life. I want to be and conduct myself differently.
Why isn't this enough? Why isn't being miserable enough to commit to change and better behavior?
Fuck, I just want to take a walk. Even if there weren't 8" of snow and below freezing temperatures outside, I couldn't take a fucking walk!!! I am SO frustrated by that. It hurts to take the time needed to re-heat food! I need a solution to the pain.
I feel lost and unhappy and hopeless and yes, afraid.
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What makes this SO hard for us is that our drug is food. If it was alcohol or illegal drugs, that would be easier to go without because you can not have them in your house and life. However, we NEED to eat. So our drug is not only desirable, it's NECESSARY. It's a true love-hate relationship.
If you can, just focus one day at a time. Hell, even one MEAL at a time. Don't lose hope. I'm here rooting you on from cyberworld. We can do this together.
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