I'm at the End of My Seat Belt

I was monitoring my odometer because I wanted to remind myself to ask the guys at the oil change place if they could fix my seat belt. It seemed to be hanging and would lock up even before I could get the metal piece into the clip. Very uncomfortable indeed.

The other night, my sister drove me to an appointment in my car because my hip and legs had simply had it. I sat in the passenger seat and guess what. The same issue with the seat belt. What are the odds that both seat belts would be hanging and locking up before I could get the metal piece into the clip?

None.

So, what that means is that I'm as large as I can be and still wear a seat belt in my car. That is simply fucked and one of the many things that I never thought about. I would just grab the seat belt, pull it around me and go. Another thing that's happening that I never thought about is the flexibility one needs to wipe one's behind. I am really struggling in that area. I've taken to standing up to make sure I get everything. I was reading a book and this woman suggested using a wooden spoon, but I can't get a visual on that and don't quite know how it would work.

I've been having random conversations around the question of "what happened to me?" with people I think know me because I have a memory (perhaps it's false) of being different. The seat belt and toilet are two rather minor items that make me believe that my life has taken a shift in a direction that I don't want to head. The me that I remember isn't the me that I want to be, but she could at least secure herself in her car and tend to her own ass, two tasks I truly took for granted.

I feel exhausted by and obsessed with my desire to change my life. I don't know if I'm going about this the right way or how I'll know my life has changed if I continue to think about it rather than live it. Among the conversations I had on the topic of "what happened to me?" reinforced my inability to process things at anything other than an intellectual level. What am I missing out on by not being able to understand experiences, relationships--life--at an emotional or a spiritual level?

I've been listening quite a lot lately to a song called Both Sides Now by Joni Mitchell. She sings about how it's the illusions of clouds, love and life that she knows rather than the experiences themselves. For some reason that song seems to describe or explain something about what's going on with me right now.