I want more life in my life. I've been looking for this in the form of pets and purchases to no avail. I think about wanting something or to do something, but I don't know what it is or how to even figure it out. I'm struggling to write this post because I feel like I have to find just the right words and articulate just the right thoughts for it to have validity and value. I feel a bit nuts!
I was talking last night with AL and SJ about my concern that I won't feel "legitimate" if I'm successful in losing weight with the lap band. My thoughts about that subject are a topic for another post, but what came out of the discussion was that I don't give myself a chance to live and enjoy life because of my weight. I am waiting and hoping for success with the band because I believe it's the key to me finally being able to give myself permission to experience the freedom, joy, hope and health that I've been desiring all these years.
I'm on the couch and have been since Friday. I want to read, but I want to read things that I want to read rather than things I have decided or been told that I should read. It's almost hard to accept that I'm so punitive that I can't even allow myself to read what I want to read. How nuts is that? I acknowledge that my back is a challenge right now and, physically, I can only do so much. Can't I come up with some other things that I could do that would help me feel more productive without exacerbating my pain?
I feel like I'm in a bottle and that I'm missing my life. I was just watching documentaries about women weight lifters and tattoo enthusiasts and, while I don't find either practice appealing, I couldn't help but admire the people profiled because they identified something they were passionate about and pursued it passionately without regard to public opinion or what is perceived as "normal" by society. I can imagine that must be very freeing.
It is my life. I want to break the chains that have kept me from living it.
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