Window Shopping

One of my favorite things about the water aerobics class is the glass wall that separates the pool from the main workout floor. It is through that wall that I can see the Gym Boys--all sizes, shapes, hues, styles, and flavors. It's like being in an ice cream parlor or bakery or walking past a high-end boutique. You know you shouldn't or can't indulge, but you can't help but imagine yourself nibbling a piece of cookie dough out of a spoonful of creamy vanilla ice cream or dragging your finger through some luxurious chocolate mousse frosting or slipping into a garment that costs three months salary--before taxes.

Obesity, depression and meds have undoubtedly taken their toll on my sex drive, but the Gym Boys stir something within me that is pleasant because it's forbidden. They spark a recurring fantasy during which I'm away from home working on a project and temporarily housed in a beach-front hotel. I'm a director or head of the project and have impressive responsibilities. I'm attracted to a man, a co-lead on the project and he knows by some understated gestures I've made. The fantasy plays itself out in a few different ways. The man either manipulates my attraction to him through cruelty or feels similarly toward me, but won't act on his feelings because he deems me unworthy of him or another man exploits my interest in the co-lead with the intention of humiliating me.

Boys (be they Gym or not) are not on my permission list. I had crushes and even a few sexual partners, but no relationships. The glass wall at the gym is a metaphor for how I've dealt with men throughout my life. "Look, but don't touch. See, but don't be seen. Admire, but be sure he never knows. It could be hurtful, embarrassing, uncomfortable, even dangerous. Men don't choose women like you. You be the buddy, but dear God, do not under any circumstances be the flirt. Be thankful that most of them don't see you and those who accidentally do quickly make you invisible."

While there's something pleasant about the forbidden nature of the Gym Boys, there's also something painful. I want to give myself permission to be seen, to be the flirt, to be the chosen, but I don't know how. It's so safe on the other side of that wall, underneath four feet of water it's hard to come out into the open and just see what happens.

VW asked if the Things to do While Alive list is the same as my permission list. I don't know yet, but if it is I'd like for companionship and love and sex to be on the list. The first step; giving myself permission to add this to the permission list.