After taking four vicodin Sunday night, I was still sleepy on Monday and went to bed at 7:30 pm. I slept through until 6 am and awoke feeling refreshed and surprised. I was surprised because I was refreshed and that I had forgotten what a full night's sleep felt like. I also woke up frightened.
I haven't pinpointed exactly what has me frightened, but I suspect it has something to do with everything that's going on. I am now beginning to feel some anxiety about the insurance company's decision and when I'll have it. Today, I changed my alarm service provider, downgraded my cable, cancelled my home phone, and got rid of my data package and I have no idea if any of those were the right moves. I need to reduce my expenses and this is what I came up with. I feel stressed about making these decisions alone sometimes. Quite honestly, I feel stressed by the house! I wish I had made another choice.
VW and I were talking about my desire to die. I'm not suicidal and have no intention of hurting myself, but I have been thinking alot about death. I was deeply concerned until VW said it's just me wanting to feel some relief. I think that's very true. I don't know how to get it, but I want to have a day free of pain, one with enough money to get my hair done, buy myself some incense and body products and revel in the fact that I know my life-changing surgery is covered and scheduled. I can't make any of these things happen so I have to find some joy in something going on in my day to day.
So, when I'm truly in the moment what brings me joy?
I like laughing with GB and DeW at work. I like coming home to the Fabulous Fighting Felines and going to bed with Olive. I like that I'm in the midst of overhauling my attitude about myself. I like my work with VW. I like blogging and exchanging messages with the people on lap band talk. I like spending time with my friends and I'm very grateful for the help my family gives me.
If I can stay focused on these things, perhaps I'll feel less frightened. Perhaps I'll even begin to feel content.
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1 comment:
I want you to know that I've been reading your posts for a short time now, and I have faith in you. I know what it feels like to give up, too, and it's a very lonely place to be.
You are not alone. Somebody else cares who understands where you are. I just wanted you to know, even if this is a few days late.
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