Overall Calm

It's Saturday. I woke up in pain and skipped my aqua aerobics class. My hips were especially painful. I rallied and cleaned my filthy refrigerator. I felt good after that. I couldn't bend over to get the freezer, but I'm thinking about how I can get it done tomorrow. I want to return to full functionality and sometimes I push myself toward that goal.

Last Monday, I had the nerve block test and it wasn't effective. The whole process was terribly painful and left me in more pain than when I went in. I didn't get any relief and it left me feeling convicted, concerned, perplexed, and in a state of disbelief. I still can't believe that at the age of 40 my mobility has been impaired to this degree. I have been fearful of losing mobility for several years, but I thought that it wouldn't even be a threat until I was in my 60s. It's still hard for me to believe that walking and standing and cleaning are a challenge for me. I often feel as though I made it up and if I would just stop writing this story it would end.

I don't know what to do next. Surgery is not an option and likely wouldn't help. The physical therapy didn't work. The injections haven't worked to date and I don't know what to expect. So, the act of cleaning my refrigerator today was one of rebellion. It needed to be done and I knew that neither of my house mates was going to do it. I'm not the best housekeeper in the world, but I do have standards. I don't think that I or anyone else should eat from a dirty refrigerator.

In addition to pain, I'm dealing with some real cash flow issues. I have never been a good money manager. I tend to spend everything I get and then some. As a result I've landed myself in $15,000 of credit card debt, have no savings and need about $560 more than I earn to cover my monthly expenses. I felt powerless, embarrassed and depressed when I was recently denied a $250 limit increase on my personal line of credit. I developed a budget and a set of strategies for myself that immediately restored a sense of accountability, hope and power. I'm committed to following my budget, eliminating my consumer debt by the end of next year and building my savings. I'm too old to have no cushion and to feel so stressed about money for no other reason than I buy things I can't afford.

My appointment with Dr. Wood is Wednesday. I'm excited, but trying to contain myself because I don't want to be disappointed if something goes wrong. I am battling with myself to stay focused on this as being something I want so that I can achieve greater health and a transformed life rather than getting sidetracked by what might happen and become a barrier to me getting what I want.

So, overall, I feel calm. I'm still hoping for a solution to my back problems. I have a plan to address my finances. And I remain excited about and convinced that my decision to have surgery is the right one.

It's all good.