A New Life

I want a rebirth. A second chance. A new birth day. A new set of memories, accomplishments, joys, likes, loves, experiences.

Yes.

I have decided to have the surgery, but feel unsettled about my decision because I can't do this on my own. I can't get this weight off or even make a commitment to try. I'm so burned out on dieting that I just can't do another. I'm so disappointed and disillusioned about the failures that I just don't have the energy to try anymore. This combined with my belief that my life has ended make it difficult to be motivated.

Another concern I have is that after the surgery, I'll just look like a fat person who lost weight. I'll never secure the status or value of a person who achieved slimness through non-surgical means or is naturally slim.

I'm also having difficulty reconciling the contradictions. I want to eat with abandon. I'm not able to lose even 1 pound on the weight loss program I'm on now. Am I really capable of committing to the rigors of post-surgery life? And if not, what hope is there for me to engage in my life?

I don't want to go anywhere, do anything, advance in my career, bathe, dress. What if weight loss doesn't help to change some of this? I feel like I'm not welcome in the world. As though I'm not loved or capable of being loved and that nothing I do or think matters. I admit that I feel a bit tragic.

So what motivates people? Why does Barack Obama want to be president? Why do people want children? Why do they strive to achieve things on a professional level? Why do they seek love?

I do apologize for working out all my stuff in this space even though no one's reading it. Maybe I'm telling someone else's story and they will find it helpful.