Thoughts on eve of a weekend

I have noticed that I've been a bit withdrawn and apathetic this week. I feel very different from before, which is different from I felt before before. How does one get oneself to a place where one feels engaged and good? At the age of 40, why am I still asking this questions? When is it just what it is and that's what it is?

I feel very much that I want a new and different life, but I don't why or what it looks like. What is so wrong with my current life? Why am I 40 years old still asking this question??? I just can't take that. I thought that 40 meant total self acceptance and total love. I just thought that I'd be over all my stuff and be getting on with it.

So what does on with it look like? I thought that I'd be comfortable in my skin and that I'd have less of my skin. I thought that I'd be secure in my work and that I'd have a bona fide "career." I thought that I'd be an expert at something at this point. I thought that I'd be on my way to financial security. I thought that I'd have or have had a relationship. I thought that I would have evolved into all me all the time and be good with it.

If anything I feel more closed off from everything. I've minimized my life in a way that I thought made me feel more safe. I feel as though I need to be punished because I haven't been forgiven for some past transgression. I don't know what the transgression is or who's supposed to forgive me, but that's what I feel; as though I'm somehow unworthy of a good life and of love and support and help when I need it. I think I suck. I don't know why, but that's what I think and I don't know how not to suck anymore.

I feel like this is so pathetic! Why am I on the Internet whining about a life that is overall very decent. I have my education, a job I love, friends, my mother and my sister, overall good health, choices. I mean what is the problem? Why do I feel disengaged and bored and vacant?

I don't know. I don't know how to get answers. Is it a crisis of faith? How do I develop a legitimate and engaged relationship with God? I feel tired and not like trying anymore. If I don't do something, though, I'll just end with no fanfare or joy.

I never quite know when I'm through with these. I just want my surgery, I suppose. I want to see if life as a human sized person makes a difference. My fear about that is that I won't maintain it for life. That I'll end up absolutely huge.

I want a full life. I don't know exactly what that means or what it looks like.

Whew!