Fear & Loathing

I was going to skip writing today because there's so much going on inside of me right now and I still feel very uneasy about putting my stuff into these postings. Not because I feel like my stuff is so precious, but because it just feels strange to declare the right to purge myself. Some people would say that I shouldn't use a potentially public forum if I'm truly sensitive about this. I suppose for me it's about growth. It's about learning to be more expressive and vulnerable with the hope that I find a connection with someone else who feels or experiences in a similar way. I want to feel more alive...more human...more me.

So here goes. I want to scream and crawl out of my skin. I want to run and to travel and to act out decadently. At the same time, I want to rest deeply. The type of rest that I've never experienced and don't know if it really exist. The type of rest that results in being totally refreshed and alert and renewed to the point that you just can't wait until the next anything - everything! The next meal is exciting. The next work challenge is exciting. All of your relationships are exciting. The air is exciting. It's all just so damn exciting because you feel fresh and so does everything else. I don't know if that type of rest exists, but I sure would like to experience it.

I want something and I don't know what it is. I guess I need something and I don't know what it is. It keeps me up at night. It distracts me from my job. It impacts the way I interact in my relationships. It's got me feeling hopeless and discontent. I feel like my life is over and that I'm simply waiting to stop breathing. I don't want to bathe, dress, order my locs. I just go through the day looking for activities and reasons to be motivated. I'm going through the motions and hoping that by doing that I'll find some meaning and purpose. I really just want to withdraw and sleep and read.

This may sound a lot like depression, but I don't feel sad. I feel regret. I am disappointed that I didn't manage my financial life more responsibly and am now swimming in debt that seems insurmountable. I am disappointed that I spent the last four decades obese and denying myself love and fun and life. I have been on self-imposed punishment for my entire life. I feel as though I have a very poor quality of life and would very much like to have more flexibility at this point. My past decisions have landed me in this place and I don't know how to turn things around.

Perhaps this is what's making me want to scream.

I don't know how to end this one. I've imposed on all who may read this and I still want to scream.