I'm back

I took a long time off because I felt that my posts were too full of pain and lacked gratitude. I suppose it is my intention to use this as an instrument of expression, but I began to feel uncomfortable about possibly making others feel uncomfortable. Claiming this space just for me feels like I'm burdening others with my emotions and thoughts and misgivings and errors and that didn't seem right to me.

Well, I'm back and I'm still not convinced that it's right to burden others with my issues and whining about being a fat girl. At the same time, I haven't resolved my desire to have a forum to talk about my feelings about my life and strong desire for change.

At this point, I'm over 300 pounds, which is a gain from where I was last time I signed in. I was initially feeling quite powerless about the gain. I am dealing with serious back pain caused by spinal stenosis, a herniated disk and spondylolisthesis. I just completed a round of PT that wasn't successful. I begin another round for my right patella on Wednesday. I'm hopeful that it will help because it is very painful to walk up and down stairs.

I share this because I haven't been able to work out since hurting my back. My pain manifest in difficulty standing and walking so it makes it hard to do many of the things I used to do and enjoy doing like walking, cooking, cleaning my home, jogging. This depressed and still gets me down. I miss exercising and feel that I can't take care of myself or manage my life.

My response to the pain has been to minimize. I don't do much other than go to work and even that has been impacted. I've started to work quite a bit from home. Fortunately, my boss is very cool and isn't about measuring my effectiveness by the number of hours I spend in the office. I write a lot and am able to do my work from anywhere, really. I work with wonderful people, which is great and unexpected.

So what does what have to do with what? Well, I've decided to have gastric bypass surgery. That was not the smoothest of segues, but it's what's on my mind and it's why I wanted to re-visit blogging. I want to use it to document my experience.

My decision was based on a lot of things. In spite of my best efforts, I now weigh more than I ever have in life. My mobility has been impaired by my back, which has, (in part anyway), been impacted by my weight. I have high blood pressure and depression and am concerned about diabetes and being confined to one of those little scooters.

So, to date, I've started a physician-supervised diet program and found a surgeon. I still have a ways to go, but feel confident that I will be scheduled by February 2009. I have gained 5 pounds since starting the weight loss program, which doesn't surprise me. I do feel a bit beaten up, though, after my last talk with the nutritionist. It's just humiliating to keep going through these programs and talking to these people about my weight and not losing anything. I feel judged and tired.

I want to work through some of the emotional issues that cause me to eat so that I'm prepared to be successful on my post-op diet. I'm 40 and figure that I'm about half way through. I spent the first 4 decades fat and would like to spend the next 4 not fat.

The journey begins one step at a time.