My week of debauchery resulted in me deciding to skip the weigh in today. I spent some time talking to my counselor at JC and must admit that I didn't find it helpful. I've come to the conclusion that there is no help in this game. It's up to you and you alone. My experience of talking with her and other people is wholly dissatisfying. I suppose that I've intellectualized the process of weight loss when it simply isn't. It's just about finding ways to cut calories. I suppose I should stop talking with people other than me about what I think about my weight loss journey. I actually found my talk with her angering.
I don't know why I have such a hard time making good choices and committing to the lifestyle changes necessary to achieve my weight loss goals. I know that I'm sick of myself. I wear dirty clothes, I have no motivation to bathe or do my hair. My toe nails are too long and have the remains of polish from six months ago. My finger nails are jagged and just a real mess. I look and feel a mess.
So, what do I want? I want to see myself as beautiful no matter what my weight. I want to believe that I'm capable of weight loss. I want to focus on health and make choices that result in better health. I want to embrace realistic expectations about my weight and body. I want to get on with my life and not feel held back by my weight. I want to believe that I matter, that my voice is important and that my ideas are as meritorious as the next person's in spite of my weight.
That is what I want for my life.
I also want to lose weight.
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You are absolutely right when you say it is up to you, only you! That has been my experience too (and I spent a year at WW and lots of money before I figured this out!) The only way to tackle the weight issue is to figure out what works for you, what you are willing to do, and finding your motivation to do those things consistently enough to make progress. It is that simple and that hard. To me it is like being a good parent to yourself: finding the right balance between being lovingly strict with yourself, but at the same time taking good care of yourself, as you would a child for whom you only want the very best. If you can find your way in this process, you will find your voice and love for yourself. Hang in there!
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