Day 5

While driving I noticed a lovely ginger bread house perfectly positioned in someone's front yard. I wanted to eat it. I just wanted to get naked and tear into it with my bear hands. The only thing that destroyed the fantasy for me was my ability--after a few attempts--to convince myself that it wasn't real. It was simply a holiday prop. Unfortunately, later in the morning I came in contact with a very real doughnut of which I ate a third. Complete impulse eat. Before I knew it, it was in my mouth.

My reaction to food is excited, passionate, visceral and genuine. I love walking through Costco and just looking at all that really big food. I so want to bury my face in one of those huge, wonderful chocolate cakes and eat my way to the bottom. No utensils. No plates. No napkins. Just face and tongue. It's almost sexual to me. I'm not a big chocolate fan, but the act of doing something so decadent is intoxicating.

Speaking of intoxicating, I'm finding that I have no interest in giving up alcohol in spite of the amount of calories it contains. I greatly look forward to a drink of whisky or vodka when I get home in the evening and I just don't want to stop. My sister and friend are surprised and a bit disappointed by how much I drink. I don't think one a night is a lot, but they do. Lightweights!

This whole concept of voice is something that I want to understand better. I have come to firmly believe that because of my size I'm not desirable or attractive or worthy of a companion. I've also come to believe that I'm stupid and have been playing small in my life as a result. I have an interest in learning some things, but I feel like it doesn't matter because I'm going to live a small life and people with small lives don't require knowledge or expertise. Acquiring them would mean that I'd have to enlarge my life and I don't feel ready to be visible and beautiful and smart and desirable. What's interesting is that I seem to have become less ready to be these things as I've gotten older. I feel very much in retreat mode, which is why working on grants and direct mail at work is so attractive to me. I don't have to interact with a lot of people and I like that.

I don't expect to lose a bunch of weight and become some very extroverted person. I hope that with weight loss and a more positive self and body image that I'll embrace more of my life and be alright with the good that can come from playing big. I don't want to just exist. I want to live.