I ate like a dog released in an alley behind a restaurant and drank like a marine on leave. Why is this so hard? I had a really good day leading up to dinner and had vowed that I wouldn't overeat at dinner. I even thought about what I wanted to order. I did order what I wanted, which was a salad with beets, walnuts and salmon. I then ate fries, fried polenta and drank two martinis. I came home and ate five servings of chocolate-covered peanuts.
I have to admit that I'm simply struggling with staying motivated and on track. What's the secret? Is it simply lack of will power? I try to look at the full picture and not just the episode I'm in, but I am so easily tempted and lose control. I want to scream and cry and throw up. I feel terrible.
What's the right thing to think? Do I focus on how much I hate my body? How unattractive and weighted down I feel? How much my back hurts and how I now feel winded when I walk a flight of steps? Do I focus on how much I can barely stand myself?
Or, do I focus on how much I love myself and how worthy I am of a fit, attractive body and a healthy eating plan? Is it true that what you focus on expands? Is my focus on my weight causing it to expand? Do I need to shift my focus?
The problem with being on a program is that when I falter I don't want to show up until I get it together. I need the program to get it together, though. I feel scared, frustrated and out of control. I just don't know what to do or how to get help to do differently.
I feel so frustrated I can't write anymore. It's right at the surface. Whatever it is that's keeping me from fully embracing this goal.
1 comment:
Try shifting your focus to what you CAN do and not what you can't do. Take small steps in the direction you want to go to build up momentum and don't beat yourself up for the "mistakes", learn from them for the next time. I know it's tough...hang in there!
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