So, I passed my pysch eval thus moving myself one step closer to surgery. I also called the insurance company today and confirmed that I do not have to lose any weight on the medically weight loss program, I simply have to participate. It's a relief, though still an embarrassment. No matter. My final weigh date is November 19. I'm going and whatever happens happens. I'll be done.
I wish I was someone or something else. Or maybe I just wish I was okay with me. Hmmmmm. I had a conversation with CH and she, as per usual, pissed me right on off. I just got off the phone with her and I think that's the best way to deal with her from now on. I'll just separate myself from her when she gets nuts on me. I also just gave her a directive regarding the project. I need to wrap this up. I want to see some change and I also need to know what I'm up against financially. Finding a context in which to deal with her from a position of strength felt good.
I would like to be smarter and more powerful. I do tend to be intellectually lazy, though. I wish I had been one of those smart kids who could have had any pick of high school or college or career. Instead I went to Hell High and No Name University followed by a lightweight program at CMU. How do I get more out of me? I believe there's more to get, but since I've firmly decided that life is over, I don't know how to access it.
I wish I had chosen to do something that would have earned me money. I just feel so disappointed in me. I feel that I'm screaming inside.
It's been brought to my attention that people find receiving a "subscription" to my blog burdensome. I'm not in some faux hyper positive space in my life and I just can't pretend that I am. I'm morbidly obese, broke, in pain and severely depressed. That's where I am right now. This blog is part of me working my way out, but it is what it is at this moment. My sincerest apologies to those I've offended or inconvenienced. This will be the last one that I send. Interested parties can log on at their own discretion.
The holidays are upon us. Prepare yourselves and enjoy!
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2 comments:
I for one want to keep receiving these. I feel extremely honored that you are willing to share. If they stop coming, I'll just check in on the blog. We love you.
I did not tell you to drop me. I did not complain. I think you know who this is.
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