...and the fat lady has sung!

Today was my last weigh in for the six-month medically supervised diet program. The final word is a 12 pound weight GAIN!

Yep!

So, as a form of punishment I ate three double cheese burgers from White Castle, potato chips, cake and ice cream. I was so sad and humiliated by performing so badly and possibly jeopardizing my chance for insurance approval for my surgery that I just had to make myself pay.

I keep asking myself why I can't master this. Why can't I simply get my weight and eating under control? I say that it's all I want so why can't I make that one thing happen? I ask and ask and ask and I can't come up with an answer.

A friend of mine reminded me that in spite of all of her success and the fact that she has access to anything in the world she wants, Oprah can't get it right either. That's an excellent point, but it still doesn't help. I keep beating myself with every weapon I can find because I can't get a handle on this.

My question for the day is if one cannot see a future for oneself does that mean that it's time to die. I haven't been able to see a future for myself in decades, but now it frightens and worries me. I don't see more than a few hours in front of me and maybe I don't need to. I remember someone saying that when you're driving on the open highway at night, your headlights only illuminate so many feet in front of you and that's all you need to see in order to complete your journey.

I know that I want lap band surgery. I know that I want to release Kick Ass Bridgett and get over all the bullshit that I hold on to as beliefs. I know that I want to live.


A followup to the Sunday morning message--"Thrice means three, Sis. Eurns. Dumb Bitch!"