I Coulda Been a Contender!

My obsessions are getting the better of me. I realize that I have completely stressed myself out about food and at this point have no idea what to eat. I also think that everything I eat will make me gain weight. There is no such thing as healthy food. I keep gaining and gaining and gaining and I feel frightened. Other people lose weight. Why not me?

Money and the fear I have around it are also causing me real stress. Last night I bid on a computer on ebay. Mind you I have no money for groceries or gas and my consumer debt is oppressive. Why was I bidding on a computer that I couldn't begin to afford? I don't even need a computer! I think that when I feel restricted around something it causes me to want to show out with it all the more. I ate pizza, potato chips and cake this weekend in addition to bidding on the laptop. Not to keep you in suspense--I was outbid in the final several minutes of the auction. Thank God! The stress of having to pay for that would have been too, too much for me.

I want to give myself permission to release myself from all my obsessive and punitive thoughts. I am very hard on me and it's beginning to take it's toll. Everyday I am increasingly more aware of my inability to give myself a break. The physical and mental challenges this causes are becoming unbearable. I want to learn to be more gentle, more accepting and kind to me so that I can experience a better life.

My last session with VW was very productive. I'm ready! I just need a lot of help to get there. She suggested that I create a permission board--a visual representation of all the emotions, relationships, opportunities, experiences, and love that I deprived myself of because I bought into a false image of myself. I think the concept of this is really powerful and as I think about it, I acknowledge that I have kept me from more than even I realized.

I want to love something. I mean really just fall deeply in love with an idea or an author or a genre of music or even a piece of music! I am so envious of people who have the ability to take an idea or a theory or philosophy or experience and break it open and explore every aspect of it with curiosity, passion--love. I want that, but must admit that it frightens me. What if I make the effort to break "it" open and find that I'm disappointed or that it wasn't worth being dissected at all. Perhaps that's why I haven't ever addressed the challenges I have with food and depression. I may not be worth it. I fantasize about what could have been if I hadn't been such a demonic force in my life.

I'm sitting here at 9:30 on a Sunday night not really ready to begin my week, but wanting this week to be different from last week. So, I've prepared my lunch and breakfast and will pack my gym bag and set my alarm and get up tomorrow and go run my fat ass around the pool.

I feel hated and stupid and I don't know why. I feel like I should know better and do better, but I don't. Clearly lightening up on me is going to be a challenge.