Post-op

I had surgery on February 16 and all went well. I'm near the end of the clear liquid phase, but admit that I broke. It's 8:30 on day 6 and I feel weak and tired and distracted. I just had 4 oz. of a protein drink that I'm technically not allowed to have until tomorrow morning. I did my best. I didn't do badly.

Right now, I'm optimistic about my potential for success. I'm very impressed that with the exception of a couple tablespoons of cottage cheese and a piece of brownie (a test; wanted to see if I would get sick or if it would taste different) I was able to stick to clear liquids for this many days. I could be below 300 pounds by the end of the week, which is exciting. While I cannot begin to express the pain in my back, I feel good and have no regrets about following this path.

As for other paths or "the" path, that's another story. I'm reading a book about Lincoln and his melancholy. I didn't know that he was a depressive who contemplated suicide most of his young life. What kept him on the planet was an overwhelming desire to make an impression on his generation. 

Talk about a BHAG! Damn!

On an almost daily basis, I ask and have asked myself for many years what keeps me on the planet. I love and feel responsible to my family and friends, but is that enough? Can you stay on the planet for other people? What about me? What about what I want? Does that matter? Is it selfish and inappropriate to even ask?

How do I find what I'm supposed to do or who I'm supposed to be? Is this it? If so, how do I accept that and get over the need to quest for something more and different? This feeling of discontentment is hard to bear.