Things that make you hmmmmmm

So here I sit five days before surgery and I'm worried. Not about the surgery, but about what comes next. I, of course, have the fear of failure. A number of people have WLS and don't lose weight or gain it back or lose a little, but never even approach their ideal weight and I'm afraid that I'll be one of them. I'm afraid that I won't be able to turn off or get control over my eating and obsession with weight even after being banded. I'm afraid that weight loss won't restore enough of the function of my back to begin exercising again. I don't want to sit around every day all day thinking about what to eat or not and am I losing weight or not. I just want my life to be about more than my weight and I'm afraid that it won't be.

How much capacity do most of us have for true change? All my life I've wanted to develop the discipline to find something I love and cultivate genuine expertise in that area, but I haven't and am losing hope that I will. I wanted a career; instead I ended up with a string of jobs. I want to feel hopeful, but must admit that it's such an unnatural state for me it's easy to lapse back into fear-based thinking.

I feel this need to jump from project to project in order to keep from feeling this intense longing for something else. I really don't know if that something else is to declare bankruptcy, change my name and join a religious community in Tahiti or to become some high-powered executive who crushes people for fun. I feel crushed and that people's primary intention is to treat other people badly. I can't decide if I want to run from it or become part of it for the right price.

Why is basketball drama? I need to stop watching TV.

Anyway, I finished researching lap band surgery, I finished picking out all the goodies for my new bathroom and now I need another project. Maybe I'll start building a new wardrobe for myself--a whole new look. Maybe find a whole new identity, a career, expertise and hope.