A New Focus

I feel terrible. I ate jellybeans and all the sugar has given me a headache. I got angry. Actually, I stay angry. I feel pissed off about everything and I notice that my temper is getting shorter and shorter. I can feel balanced and calm one second and then ready to blow the next. 

I'm finding living in Detroit to be hard. The blight, poverty, instable industry, weather and foolishness are all taking a toll. If GM and Chrysler fail I fear the national press will be overwhelming to those of us here. Between being angry and engaging in activities I have no business, I can't seem to get motivated to do anything. I was doing well with keeping up with my deadlines at work, but I let one slip today.

I want to want. I want to get it together and engage and connect and feel excited about something. While living here is definitely a challenge right now, I see opportunities, too. I don't, however, feel capable of channeling my anger in a productive way.

All I see is fear and greed and delusion. It's amazing the amount of each I've seen in people - friends and others. Is this how we make it through our lives? By lying to ourselves about accomplishments, contributions, intellect, deservedness, misdeeds, food intake? It's just sickening!

What do I lie to myself about? I suppose that I don't lie to myself.