Emotional

I feel vacant. I'm not exactly sure how to describe it, but vacant is the only word that comes to mind. I feel as though something has left me or that I've become acutely aware of something that was never there. Bored, tired, frightened, overwhelmed, hopeless, anxious and stupid. I can't seem to get a handle on myself.

As a way of distracting myself and addressing the anxiety I feel, I thought that I should get a home project. I had a great time decorating my mother's apartment and my house is a blank canvas. I went on a bit of a shopping spree and now feel sorry. All of my purchases were somewhat impulse buys because I felt like I needed something material to satisfy me. It never has in the past, but there's always a first time, right? I have since come to the conclusion that I need to be my project, but I don't know what that means.

I went out today wearing ripped black pants and white socks. I regularly do a snatch back on my hair, I wear knit pants most of the time because my behind has spread and my more fitted items don't fit. I look like hell and I don't think that I'm worthy of looking better.

I feel depressed about my weight and my inability to commit to regularly making good food choices. I get up with the best intentions and make good choices in the early part of the day. I can't maintain my resolve, however, throughout the evening and end up consuming way too many calories. It's absolutely amazing to me how easy it is to exceed my targeted caloric intake.

Well, I don't know what to do.